The Need to Feel Free Again Revised Edition
by mp111275
Summary: Sometimes a vacation is the only thing that can help you to find something that seems to be missed…
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** _The Need To Feel Free Again – Revised Edition _

**Author Name:** _Michaela aka Michi_

**E-mail:** _see Personal Profile for Information_

**Website:** _see Personal Profile for Information_

**Classification:** _Harm & Mac / Romance_

**Summary:** _Sometimes a vacation is the only thing that can help you to find something that seems to be missed… _

**Rating:** _somewhere between IM15 and SLSV_

**Spoilers:** _Everything up to Season 9 - Story takes place after the season's final episode Hail & Farewell. The rest of the JAG era we know, never happened in this story  
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**Disclaimer:** _JAG and its characters are the property of Bellisario Productions, CBS, and __Paramount. _

_For your information, next to the badly needed re-beta read, this revised edition has quite a few changes and additions to the original story 'TNTFFA', which was first published 7-3-04. The concept and central theme are still the same… but that's about it LOL _

_A huge thanks goes out to my beta and advising team and a special one to Kathy, who's also my co-author of this story:-) I never thought it would be that much fun to learn the fine art of American English and I can only hope you won't 'fire' me LOL. I love you girl! ... Any mistakes left are mine… _

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**Thursday **

**May 27, 2004 **

**JAG Headquarters **

**Falls Church, VA **

**9:14 AM**

"Hey Harm," Mac uttered barely audible, a smile gracing her face as she stood in the doorway of Harm's office. She was not in uniform and appeared relaxed leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed loosely over her chest. Her attire was civilian casual; merely faded jeans and a white French cuff button down shirt while her feet were clad in thong sandals, making her bright red toe nail polish, acquired from her recent pedicure, visible.

Harm was so pre-occupied with law books and the papers that were spread out all over his desk that he wasn't immediately aware of her presence or of the way that she was intently watching him.

When he finally did look up, he instantly gave her a big smile of his own. "Hi Mac. Come on in," Harm stated pensively and put his pencil down on the notebook in front of him.

"Thanks… umm… I really would like to talk to you about something. Can you spare a few minutes for me?" Mac asked while she slowly sat down in one of Harm's visitor chairs, nervously nibbling on her lower lip.

"For you? Always! Is this about your appointment at Bethesda? How did it go? How do you feel? What did the doc say?" Harm asked worriedly without taking a breath. He quickly stood up and walked around his desk to his office door to close it so that they would have some privacy before lowering himself into the other visitor chair right beside Mac.

"Whoa! Slow down, Harm." Mac laughed softly. "I'm fine and there's no need to worry. Just the same soreness as before and some pain here and there. But all in all it is barely noticeable. However, that's not what I needed to tell you… umm... I just talked with the Admiral about taking a few days off, and he granted my request and gave me permission to leave DC as soon as I leave here."

Harm looked at her a little taken aback. "Oh… where are you going?"

" Vermont."

" Vermont?"

"Yes. I had a long conversation with Chloe yesterday. She called me and somehow during the course of our conversation, her intuition told her that things weren't quite right and that something was bothering me She asked me if I would like to take a few days off and come to Vermont. It sounded like a good idea."

"Yeah, it sure does," Harm quietly said. "Well, it has been a while since you've seen her, hasn't it?" He asked, wondering how the girl who is not so little anymore was doing these days. It still seemed like it was just yesterday when he'd found her in the elevator shaft 'Time certainly goes by,' Harm thought to himself.

"True. But I won't get to see her on this trip either," Mac informed him.

Harm gave Mac a puzzled look but said nothing and she took it as sign to continue. "Right now she's on her way to Paris as part of a student exchange program. But it's not really a bad thing… I think… I just need some time alone."

"Oh," was all Harm could say, not knowing exactly what to think about it.

"Chloe told me that her grandparents have a cottage near their farm, which is right next to a lake. She said that I could go over whenever I wanted to."

"But why? I mean, you said you need to be alone. Is it me? Am I too... I don't know, am I too clingy?" Harm sadly asked confused and slightly hurt. "Maybe I've overdone it a little. I'm sorry if I overstepped…"

Without thinking twice, Mac placed a hand on Harm's cheek and reached down to take one of his hands into her other one.

"Harm, no! You didn't do anything wrong, nor did you overstep any boundaries. This has nothing to do with you or your care for me. It's me and only me. I just need a change of surroundings for a little while. I need to find something that I've lost. I've tried to do it here, but it's just not working."

"What do you need to find?" Harm asked. "You're not running away, right?"

"NO!" Mac replied louder than she intended to and then took a deep breath. "No, I'm not running away," she answered forcefully and slowly removed her hand from his cheek.

"So… why?" Harm wanted so badly to know, and to understand her reasons.

"I need to find Sarah. I know she's in here." Mac pointed to her heart. "But I can't reach her. I can't even explain it. I just need to do this. I need to feel free again. Can you understand that, Harm?"

Harm didn't need to think twice about his answer. "Yes. Yes, I can. Very well actually… So… how long do you plan on being away?"

"The Admiral said I could take off the rest of this week as well as the next one. I'm not quite sure whether or not I will spend the entire time in Vermont. I simply don't know yet."

Mac waited for a response from Harm, but the only response she got was seeing a very depressed looking Harm.

"Harm? What's wrong?" Mac worriedly asked, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

She could feel something was bothering him and she was pretty sure that it didn't have anything to do with her taking a short vacation.

"Nothing… nothing is wrong," he quickly answered and gave her a little smile that didn't reach his eyes. "When does your flight leave? And what airline are you flying?" Harm asked and Mac knew he was intentionally changing the subject. "I could drive you to the airport."

"Thanks but that won't be necessary. Air Vette is taking off in a few minutes," Mac stated with a grin on her face. "To be exact… as soon as I'm out of this building." She couldn't wait to take this ride. It would feel great. She wanted to soar like a bird, she wanted to feel free.

"You're driving all the way to Vermont?" Harm asked in astonishment. "Isn't that too strenuous for you?"

Mac chuckled and shook her head. "No, it's not. And just to be on the safe side I asked my doctor if it was okay to make a seven plus hour drive to Vermont. She told me it would be okay and suggested that when I feel too sore I should take a little break and get out of the car for a few minutes. And that's what I'll do when it's needed."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"You'll call as soon as you get there?"

"Okay, I can do that too." Mac gave him a soft smile.

"Good. Drive careful please," Harm stated and tenderly squeezed her hand which was still placed in his.

"Will do…. Are you sure you don't want to tell me what's bothering you? I can feel that something is wrong with you and I'm sure it has nothing to do with my vacation plans," Mac paused and looked into his eyes for some answer. "What's wrong, Harm?"

"It's nothing, Mac. I'll just miss you that's all. And of course I envy you for being able to take this vacation," Harm answered with one of his flyboy grins.

But it wasn't the flyboy grin Mac knew and loved so much. She was sure there were other reasons why Harm looked so sad and dejected. He was hiding something, but she knew at this point that Harm wasn't about to open up to her, so she just had to let it go... at least for now.

"I'll miss you too, Harm." She reached into her pocket and handed him a slip of paper. "Here is the address of the Anderson's and their phone number. I'm sure Martha wouldn't mind taking a message if you can't reach me on my cell phone. So whenever you need me or if something is wrong, please call. Okay?"

"I'll do that. Now get out of here, before you have to drive in the middle of the night."

"Take care, Sailor," Mac said before giving him a kiss on his forehead, letting her lips linger there for a few seconds.

"You too, Marine," Harm whispered. He gave her hand a final squeeze before letting her stand up and walk out of his office.

"Do you need me to water your plants?" Harm questioned behind her.

Mac laughed and shook her head, immediately remembering the time when she had once asked him the exact same question. "Sorry, flyboy. I don't have any plants."

"Too bad," Harm quietly said and followed her into the bullpen, watching her until she reached the elevator and with one last wink Mac was out of his sight.

He stood there in the bullpen with his eyes fixed on the closed elevator doors when he suddenly felt that he couldn't let her go yet. He turned around and quickly walked back into his office, closing the door behind him. He knew that he could see her car from his office window and that's what he needed to do.

Mac must have sensed his gaze, since she didn't get into her care immediately. Slowly she turned around and looked up to his window with a big smile on her face and gave him a wave. Harm had to laugh about how transparent he was when it came to her. He waved back and watched her as she got into the car. He remained at his window as she drove out of the parking lot and out of his sight.

Now he was alone. Much more alone than Mac could have possibly known.

TBC..


	2. Chapter 2

The Need To Feel Free Again - Part 2

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information _**

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Thursday**

**May 27, 2004 **

**JAG Headquarters**

**Falls Church, VA**

**5:57 PM**

'What a day,' Harm thought and knew it wasn't about to get any better, which made it all even worse, if that was even possible.

'Well, it's a good thing this case is finally over,' Harm thought grimacing while closing the folder in front of him. Today was the day when things would really change for him and this hopeless case hadn't done anything to enhance his mood.

Then there was Mac. Harm sighed deeply and slowly turned in his office chair until he was able to look out of the window, pondering their last significant conversation. He was worried about Mac, but knew he had to accept and most of all to trust her decision about handling things her way and on her own terms.

At the admiral's Dining Out he had told her that he would always be there for her and he meant it. But what more could he do without pressuring her?

He hoped she knew that he was different from all the other men that passed through her life. He wasn't young and reckless like Eddie, or abusive like Chris, he wasn't her commanding officer and mentor like John Farrow, nor was he possessive like Dalton or pushy like Mic had been. He just wanted to be there for her as her equal for better or worse.

'I need to find Sarah.' Harm could still hear her voice from earlier. 'Can you understand that, Harm?' "Yeah. Believe me, I can. Only too well," he muttered and closed his eyes for a second, rubbing his throbbing temples.

Harm had been having the same type of feelings himself on and off for the past few months; oftentimes, it caused him to feel like a stranger even to himself. This was true especially during the time he had worked for the CIA after his return from Paraguay. That was a cold and dark time for him. It was as if he had lost the essence of who Harmon Rabb was and a vital part of his personality had been striped away. At times, he felt as though he was being navigated by remote control. Truth is, he couldn't really put his finger on it and he didn't know why these feelings existed; but what he did know was that they all too often gnawed at his insides like an all-consuming cancer.

"Can what?" Someone asked from behind, bringing Harm out of his deep thoughts.

"Huh?" Harm stated astonished as he turned around to look towards his office door.

"You said 'believe me, I can'. So, what is it that you can?" Sturgis asked frowning from the doorway of Harm's office, wondering what was going on with his friend.

"Nothing, buddy. I was just thinking out loud that's all. What can I do for you, Sturg?" Harm asked, trying hard to sound cordial.

"I was wondering if you would be interested in a basketball game and maybe a beer afterwards? Varise is out of town, and I thought we both could have some fun tonight. And if you ask me, you sure look like you could use a diversion my friend. What do you think? Are you game?"

"Sorry, buddy, but I can't. Mattie's at home waiting for me. She's cooking for us tonight. But how about a rain check?"

"Sure, why not. Have fun and say hi to Mattie for me, will you?" Sturgis said, wondering what was going on with his friend. Somehow, in the back of his mind, he couldn't help but think that it had something to do with a beautiful female marine.

"Will do. Night, Sturg."

"Night, Harm," Sturgis replied before he turned around and walked out of the office to call it a night.

Harm was glad to have a legitimate reason for not being able to join Sturgis because he was in no mood to deal with the third degree Sturgis would certainly impose on him. He didn't want to be interrogated, not tonight.

'Well, I guess it's time to face reality,' Harm thought and started packing his briefcase.

After switching off the lights and locking up his office, he left headquarters to get home where Mattie would be waiting for him with a home cooked dinner.

xxxx

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Harm's Apartment**

**North of Union Station, DC**

**6:46 PM**

The moment Harm opened the door he could smell the appetizing aroma of the lasagna Mattie was making for them. Cooking was definitely not one of Mattie's favorite activities. She was more of the 'calling for a pizza'-type, just like a certain marine he knew.

The thought of Mac and a half veggie half three-meat pizza along with their snuggling together on his couch watching Top Gunbrought a pleasant little smile to his handsome face.

"Whatcha grinning about, Harm? Want to share the joke?" Mattie asked with a grin of her own.

"Hey, Mattie. It was nothing, really. How is the lasagna doing? Do I have enough time to change into something more comfortable?"

"Sure, no problem. It's nearly finished. Maybe another 5 minutes or so."

"Good, I'll be right back then. Why don't you set the table in the mean time?"

"Are you doing the dishes afterwards?" Mattie called after him, the cheeky grin still firmly in place.

"Hmm… let me think… Yeah, I think I can handle that," Harm answered from his bedroom chuckling.

"Well then… sure, I'll set the table," she replied and got some plates out of the cabinet. "Oh, by the way… Mac called just a few minutes ago. She wanted me to tell you that Air Vette landed safely and that she would try to call you later… oh and Martha told her it could be a problem using the cell phone around the cottage area. So if she doesn't call, there is no need for you to worry," Mattie told Harm as she set the table.

In frustration, he shut the door of his wardrobe a little harder than he intended to and leaned his forehead against it closing his eyes succumbed by disappointment.

'Damn it, I missed her call. I really need to hear her voice right about now,' Harm thought in sadness, but managed to compose himself enough to answer calmly, "Thanks, kiddo."

"I told her that we're going to the movies tonight to see Shrek 2. She said she would call around eleven o'clock. You should be back home by then."

"How did she sound?" Harm asked as he came out of his bedroom buttoning his shirt.

"What do you mean?" Mattie asked looking up at him puzzled, not really understanding the meaning behind his question.

"Oh… it's nothing really. It's just that… well Mac drove her 'vette to Vermont and it's a rather long ride. Did she sound tired? I'm sure she won't have a chance to call me tonight. So I won't get the opportunity to talk to her," Harm muttered trying to hide his worries from his ward.

So far nobody knew about Mac's health problems and he had promised her to leave it at that for now. She wanted to know what the prognosis and treatment was before she would 'share' it with anybody else. He totally understood her wishes and he was elated that she at least told him about her 'situation', as she called it.

It was comforting for him to know that she trusted their friendship enough to open up, let her marine guard down and tell him about her condition, because reaching out was not an easy thing for Mac to do.

Though he knew he wanted so much more in terms of a relationship with Mac, he wouldn't push it. He was content with the way things were progressing for now, and vowed he would wait until she was ready to admit that she wanted more as well.

**  
Flashback  
**

"Why are you so completely surprised that I told you about it, Harm? I mean, look at it this way… now I have a very good excuse when I need you to rub my back, or if I need to borrow your electric heating pad again," Mac said jokingly with a laugh and a wink.

"Oh, you like my massages, don't you, Marine?" Harm asked her with a raised eyebrow and smirk on his face.

Mac was laughing even more now, unable to hold back her response."You bet I do. You sure know how to use your hands, Commander," Mac replied coyly before she sauntered out of the break room, leaving a blushing Harm behind.

She was gone before he could tell her that excuses were not necessary because he would do anything for 'his' marine.

**End of Flashback**

Mattie was intrigued as she watched her guardian. She knew his mind was elsewhere or rather his thoughts were about someone else. "Harm? Hello! Earth to Harm! Hey Houston, do you have a problem?"

She was worried about him. Mattie knew today would be pretty hard on him. Heck, it wasn't an easy day for her either, but she knew it would be much harder for Harm. She wondered if he had told Mac or someone else about what was going on. But somehow she felt that he hadn't told a soul about it. Mattie was sure Mac wouldn't have left if she knew what was going on here.

"Ha ha, very funny, kiddo. Now come on, let's eat. We don't want to miss Shrek," Harm told Mattie and once again tried to change the subject.

But Mattie detected his strategy and she wouldn't be Mattie if she just let it drop. She owed him a lot, much more than she would ever be able to repay. All she wanted was the best for Harm and for him to be happy.

"You haven't told Mac anything about today, have you?" Mattie softly asked when she joined Harm at the dining table. "Because I know that she wouldn't be in Vermont right now had she known. And she for sure would have at least asked me on the phone about it. I am right, aren't I?"

"Mattie... please," Harm started but was interrupted by Mattie's sudden outburst and stern look.

"Harm!"

"No," Harm whispered his answer in defeat diverting his eyes down to the lasagna in front of him rather than looking into Mattie's soul searching ones. He knew he had to be honest with her because she would be able to see right through him. "No, I haven't told Mac anything about tonight."

"Why not?" She asked softly. Mattie had powered down now after hearing the deflated tone in Harm's voice. She really hoped he would open up to her and let her know what he was feeling and what exactly was going on between him and Mac.

"Mattie… it's complicated, okay?" Harm tried to make her understand and sighed. "Mac has a lot on her mind at the moment, and I thought she should enjoy her little vacation without worrying about me too… I'll be fine, Mattie. I'm happy for you… I'll miss you, but I'm happy for you."

"I love you, Harm," Mattie said with a teary voice and quickly gave him a hug.

"I love you too, kiddo." Harm suppressed a smile as he realized how easy those three little words had just rolled off his tongue to Mattie. He couldn't help but wonder why it was always so hard to say them to Mac.

"Okay, let's eat and then we have a date with Shrek. Have you packed your bag already or do you still need to do it?"

"Nope, everything is ready. Dad called me this afternoon. He'll pick me up at school tomorrow. From there we'll drive straight to the Shenandoah Valley to Luray."

"Good. When was the last time you went camping?" Harm asked with interest trying to keep the conversation centered on her as he took a bite of his lasagna.

Mattie shrugged. "A few years ago," she stated and had to laugh. "It was raining the whole time and we had to leave before we drowned."

"I'm sure you'll have a great time," Harm told her softly.

"Yeah, but I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you, too. But we'll see each other in a few weeks again. And you can always call me. You know that, right?"

"You bet," Mattie answered before she leaned over and gave Harm a peck on his cheek and another hug.

"I'm so happy for you, Mattie," Harm told her with a tear in his eye.

He wouldn't let her see how much this all actually upset him. It was the best thing for Mattie to spend some time with her father. To see her that happy made him feel happy, even if it hurt him to see her leave. "Okay, enough of this. Let's finish our dinner. There're only a few more minutes to spare before we have to leave for the movie. We don't want to be late, young lady."

"Aye aye, Sir," Mattie answered with a little salute as they both finished their dinners.

As soon as they were done, Harm and Mattie left their plates in the kitchen. Mattie walked from the kitchen to the coat rack where Harm was already holding her jacket. She put it on as she let her eyes roam quickly around his apartment trying to capture everything to memory.It would be a while before she would be here again. She knew she would miss it terribly. Just the way she would miss Harm.

'It's good to know that he has Mac,' Mattie thought and smiled before she and Harm left the apartment.

TBC…

_A/N – I know that most schools don't get out until the first or second week of June, so I had to use an 'Author's Privilege' here. _


	3. Chapter 3

_The Need To Feel Free Again - Part 3_

_Disclaimer - See part one for all important information_

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**Friday**

**May 28, 2004**

**Harm's Apartment**

**North of Union Station, DC**

**3:27 AM**

He was extremely restless and rolled over in his bed for what felt like the fiftieth time, still unable to attain the much needed sleep he craved. Not that it was any different from the last few nights. He was tired both physically and emotionally, and he honestly didn't know how many more sleepless nights he could endure.

Obviously, Harm's current state of unrest was causing him extreme frustration. He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger while glancing at his nightstand; he could see that in only two and a half hours his alarm clock would announce a new day and new challenges.

Another chapter of his muddled life seemed to be closed for good and this time it was the chapter called 'Mattie'.

She informed him last weekend that her father had asked her to go on vacation with him. He had planned a camping trip to the Shenandoah Valley. There were a lot of things they could do together; things like canoeing, kayaking, fishing, and of course mountain biking. Harm could see how excited Mattie got the more she told him about the trip. She showed him brochures about the Valley along with information she had found on the internet.

She had been given the opportunity to reconcile with her dad, and she was finally willing to take the chance.

Harm was extremely proud of his little girl. It always stirred something inside of him when he thought of Mattie as his. Just when he was starting to accept the harsh reality that children may never be a part of his life, Mattie came along and changed everything.

Harm knew first hand what it was like to loose a father, and his heart still ached to know what it would have been like to have Harm Sr. in his life. All he had wanted was for Mattie to realize that she still HAD Tom, and it was up to her to reach out and take him back into her life. If it worked out for them, and he sincerely hoped it would, then he would be more than happy to take on the roll as her 'other' dad. He didn't want Mattie to grow up and have regrets.

This whole experience with Mattie brought thoughts about his step dad Frank Burnett to the surface. Frank had entered his life at a time when he was still haunted by thoughts of his dad, and because of this obsession Harm had never been able to reciprocate any of Frank's feelings. This was a wrong he now knew he had to make right.

Still wrestling with his thoughts, Harm turned on his side closing his eyes, thinking about how he met Mattie and how she had pulled him out of a deep emotional hole and made him know what it felt like to be needed and to make a difference in someone's life. He knew no matter what, he would always be there for her.

He thought back to the first time he tried talking to Mattie about her relationship with Tom and the possibility of their reuniting and getting things back on track, about her being able to give him another chance.

At first she was angry, awfully angry. Angry with her dad, but most of all she was mad at Harm. Back then, Mattie made it clear how much she hated Harm for making her go back to her father. She had screamed at him while tears streamed freely down her cheeks. It broke his heart to see her like that, but he knew even though she was upset it was necessary, for her own good, to put her through it.

Of course Harm had tried to tell her he wouldn't force her to go back or do anything she didn't want to do. He tried to explain that he was merely looking out for her overall welfare. But it was like talking to a brick wall. The conversation ended with a very upset and angry Mattie storming out of his apartment and nearly colliding with a stunned marine. The next audible sound had been a loud bang of her apartment door, which told him the conversation was over and done with.

Harm could see from the look in Mac's eyes that she had heard the whole fight. It was like seeing all his pain reflected in her eyes. The next thing Harm knew, he was in her comforting arms. 'Give her some time, Harm', 'everything will be okay', 'she didn't mean it like that. Just give her some time' Mac had soothingly told him over and over again. Her strength and encouragement fueled his ability to pursue the matter with Mattie.

'I don't even know why Mac had come over that night,' Harm suddenly realized.

It seemed like they had talked for hours. They mainly talked about Mattie and her situation with her father. Actually, Harm talked while Mac listened.

The next morning Harm found out that Mac had done much more than just listen to him. She had spokenwith Mattie as well and whatever words of wisdom Mac had conveyed to Mattie worked wonders.

Mattie apologized that morning. She felt bad for hurting him with the things she'd said and was truly sorry about everything. Harm made it clear he understood Mattie's feelings and that he only wanted what was best for her. Mattie had answered him with 'Maybe you're what's best for me, Harm' and began to cry again while Harm took her into his embrace, soothed her and said with a broken voice 'Maybe. And maybe you'll find someoneeven better.'

He had been very curious about what Mac had told Mattie to make her reevaluate everything.

That was when Mattie told him that the most important thing Mac did was to listen to her.

However, she also told Harm how Mac told her about growing up without the opportunity to have a relationship with her dad and the adverse effect it had on her.

Mac also told her how Joe MacKenzie never attempted to change anything in his entire life. She said that Mattie was lucky to have a father who was trying his best to gain control of his life and do the right thing in order to reclaim the trust and respect of his little girl. She endeavored to make Mattie understand that the hate she harbored would consume her if she didn't let it go. She further told Mattie how it was Harm who had talked her into going to see her own father when he was dying so that she would have no regrets after he died.

But most of all Mac had tried to assure Mattie that Harm had her best interest at heart and he was resolved to do whatever he felt was needed to make her happy even if the outcome would cause his own heart to break.

Later that day Harm had tried to thank Mac for her help, but she just said that she had only told Mattie the truth.

What Mac didn't tell Harm was how impressed she was that this young girl could walk into his life and unknowingly shatter his well-built barriers and teach the arrogant naval aviator how to love unconditionally.

Harm once more turned over and stared at the ceiling. Now that he was wide awake Harm's thoughts were about Mac. She hadn't called again last night.

'Guess Martha was right about not being able to use the cell phone in that area,' Harm thought disappointed. 'I wish I could hear her voice.'

Harm never told Mac about Mattie's vacation plans with her dad. She already had a lot on her mind, and he didn't want to bother her with his problems. 'Mattie's only going to be gone for three weeks,' Harm told himself, but deep down he knew this was the beginning of the end of the father/daughter relationship they currently shared. He knew they would always remain close, but it would definitely be different from now on.

"This is useless," Harm muttered while getting out of bed. "I won't get any sleep now. Maybe I should just go to work. And if I'm lucky, I can call it a day around noon."

xoxox

**Anderson's Farm**

**The Cottage**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**6:48 AM**

Mac woke up slowly trying to get her bearings until she remembered where she was.

Something wasn't quite right. She felt... like she was... being watched. Slowly turning around she came face to face with two big brown eyes. Before she could get a word out, she got a big wet sloppy kiss. _  
_  
"Well good morning to you too, Toby. Did you sleep well?" Mac asked with a case of the giggles as the kisses continued and moved down her neck. "Stop that… it tickles." After a brief pause she asked. "So… what do you want to do first? Have breakfast or jog?" She took Toby's anxious gaze at the door along with his wagging tail as the answer for the latter. "Okay, I guess jogging it is. Give me five minutes and I'll be ready."

Toby and Mac first met while Martha was showing Mac the farm. It was love at first sight

for Mac the minute she looked into Toby's bright, shiny brown eyes. He had the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. He was simply adorable. The way he looked at her. Well, even a marine could get weak in the knees.

And Toby? Toby was totally hooked when it came to Mac. Everywhere she went, he was close behind. He was always watching her, never letting her out of his sight. He had become her protector.

When the moment for their goodbye came, he just wouldn't let her go without him. He trotted along behind her as she walked to the cottage. She kept telling him he had better turn around and go home, but it was to no avail. Toby was simply too pigheaded and infatuated with Mac and continued to follow her.

He won her over with one of his special looks. He threw her a wounded puppy look and she was a goner. When it was time for bed he once again was the winner of their silent game. One look and he didn't have to sleep on the couch; instead he was able to sleep right next to her on the bed.

Mac walked out of the bathroom, wearing a white tank top, a pair of marine green sprinter shorts and running shoes. "Okay, let's get going. Maybe we can find some bagels in town because I'm famished. Are you ready, Toby?" Mac asked while looking into his big brown eyes.

"Woof, woof," was the prompt response from the ecstatic Golden Retriever puppy.

"Then let's get going Mr. Toby," Mac told him as they left the cottage together.

xoxox

**Harm's Apartment**

**North of Union Station, DC**

**01:13 PM**

Harm had just finished his lunch and was sitting on his couch reading the newspaper listening to soft music on the radio.

The admiral had given him permission to call it a day around noon, which Harm was very thankful for. But the truth was that sitting here wasn't helping to soothe his current state of mind. It wasn't that he felt tired or anything. No, he just missed Mattie. And Mac.

Right now there was nothing he wanted to do more than call her, just so he could hear her voice. But he knew that he couldn't reach her. He already tried five times today and always got the same message from her provider that she wasn't reachable at the moment.

He couldn't stare at the four walls any longer. He felt as though they were beginning to close in on him. There had to be something he could do.

But what?

'I need to feel free again,' Mac's words from the previous day had suddenly come back to him in full force. "I need to feel free again." Harm repeated her words out loud and a happy grin replaced the frown on his face.Yup, he knew what he had to do.

"You know what, Mac? You were absolutely right. It is time to feel free again!" Harm shouted to the four walls and quickly got upfrom his couch.

He grabbed his leather jacket, keys, and helmet before walking out of his apartment straight to his garage. Inside there was something beautiful waiting for him… his newest acquisition… what he liked to call his baby. He had bought it about two weeks ago, shortly after getting rid of his old one since it was a reminder of his CIA past.

That was a dismal time in his life that he was not proud of, a time filled with remorse and despair. He sincerely hoped that some day he would be able to let it go, forget about it and put it all behind him.

As he continued walking, he couldn't stop hoping that this time would come sooner rather than later.

He smiled when he opened the doors. His baby, his Harley Davidson, was sitting there in his garage, ready and waiting for him to take a little ride.


	4. Chapter 4

_AN: Thank you all for the wonderful feedback and kind words. Kathy and I had a lot fun while working on it and I'm glad you like the new version :)_

The Need To Feel Free Again - Part 4

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information

* * *

**Anderson's Farm**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**5:14 PM**

Mac looked around her taking everything in. "Isn't this place absolutely beautiful, Toby?" She asked her furry little friend getting a quick little 'woof' in reply.

The Golden Retriever puppy sat contentedly right in front of Mac while they both rode Scout, Chloe's pinto horse. They traversed through the woods that opened up into the picturesque countryside of the Anderson Farm. Mac was awed at just how huge this property was and immediately understood why Chloe was so enchanted with it and loved being here.

When Martha had suggested taking Scout out for a ride, Mac was a little hesitant at first. Now she was extremely pleased with her decision to take the risk. Her back didn't hurt at all, and she and Toby were enjoying their ride immensely. It was a beautiful warm day, there wasn't a cloud in the dazzling blue sky, and the sun was shining brightly on the lush green fields.

It was Friday, and Mac had the rest of her day planned. Reading a current best seller while savoring the fresh country air and then taking a swim in the crystal clear lake held the highest priority. However, she knew that the most important thing on her agenda, and the reason for being there, was to find her way back; her way back to being Sarah MacKenzie.

'To feel free again.' She clearly remembered the words she had spoken to Harm. She was both stunned and worried when Harm told her that he understood only too well what she meant by that statement.

Was she really surprised about Harm knowing about such feelings? 'No, I guess not really,' Mac instantly answered her own question because she definitely knew that his time with the CIA was a formidable time in the life of Harmon Rabb Jr. _  
_  
'Damn Paraguay… damn Sadik… damn Clayton Webb… and most of all… damn you Sarah MacKenzie.' These were the bitter thoughts saturating Mac's psyche.Everything in her life had changed since that blasted mission with the CIA. The only thing she couldn't pinpoint was exactly when she had lost Sarah MacKenzie.

Mac sighed, closing her eyes briefly and letting her thoughts drift back to that ill-fated time in her life.

'Was it when she went to Harm's apartment to tell him she was going away for a while and he looked longingly into her eyes and begged her not to go? Was it when she sat helplessly listening to Clay's torturous screams of pain at the hands of Sadik? Was it when she was being strapped to the table facing death knowing she would never get to express to Harm the feelings concealed deep in her heart? Was it after Harm had rescued her only to tell her that he had gotten married while she was gone? Was it when he told her he had to resign from the Navy in order to find her? Was it when she stood confused and disoriented on the curb in front of the hotel and told him that it would never work out between them? Was it when she stood unwaveringly pointing the gun at an already disabled Sadik and with no remorse pulled the trigger? Or was it a combination of all these dreadful events that ultimately chipped away at the once strong spirit of the stalwart marine known as Sarah MacKenzie?

She hoped the solemnity and peacefulness here would enable her to find the answer, because she missed being Sarah. She felt like she was being maneuvered and left dangling from a string much like a marionette; a player in a cruel game and whenever she tried to stop playing, the game became more intense.

Mac groaned in frustration and willed herself to take charge of all the errant notions running through her head.

"Who is controlling the marionette in this game?" Mac muttered out loud. "I guess it's my challenge to find out," she continued getting another 'woof' in replyfrom her steadfast new friend.

"I'm right, aren't I, Toby? This is indeed my challenge," Mac stated, composing herself before giving Toby an affectionate little kiss on top of his head. "Come; let's enjoy the ride a little bit longer before we head back home. Martha's cooking dinner for us tonight. And after dinner, I think we should call Harm, so he knows everything is okay."

She got another "Woof, Woof," in reply. It appeared that Toby was trying to convey to Mac that she was on the right path.

Mac chuckled and shook her head. "God I love this little guy."

x

**On the Interstate 295 North**

**7:05 PM**

Harm relished the feel of the warm breeze swirling around him as he drove down the open road. He had been driving his Harley for hours now and it felt good to feel so free.

His actual plan was to go flying with 'Sarah' but somehow he ended up going in a totally different direction, and it wasn't too long before it became pretty clear to him where he was actually heading. It had hit him suddenly when he stopped at a gas station to take a coffee break. He opened his wallet and there was her note safely tucked inside.

The instant his eyes detected that tiny piece of paper and it touched his hand, he reverently allowed his fingers to trace over her delicate handwriting. It was then that he got an overwhelming need to go to her. His only concern was would he be welcomed? He didn't want to invade her privacy knowing how much she needed her space.

His only trepidation was the fact that he was on his Harley and he was looking at a seven plus hour drive. However, it was impossible to turn around and head for home.There was a more powerful force driving him, and its intensity was leading him straight to her.

As soon as he acclimated himself to his situation, he rationalized that the long ride could be handled by taking several little breaks along the way. He was already running on adrenaline so for the moment he wasn't feeling at all tired, just anxious.

x

**Anderson's Farm**

**The Main House**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**8:14 PM**

"Thank you, Martha. Dinner was wonderful," Mac stated and gave the elderly woman a little smile.

They were sitting in the living room. Martha had taken a place on the sofa, while Mac was sharing the rocking chair with Toby, who was asleep in her lap. She was petting his right ear keeping a steady rhythm.

"Could you reach your friend, Sarah?" Martha wanted to know.

"No. I could only reach his answering machine at home and his voicemail. I guess he's out with Mattie. Friday night is usually their movie night," Mac answered sadly.

Mac was a bit confused since she knew that Harm and Mattie went to see the movie 'Shrek 2' the night before. Would they actually go to another movie? She and Mattie had talked about movies a few nights ago, but the third 'Harry Potter' didn't open until next weekend. Her thoughts continued to reel until Martha interrupted them.

"You miss him, don't you?" Martha softly asked after watching the young woman for a little while.

"Yeah, I do. I'd hoped to get the chance to talk with him tonight," Mac said with a sigh while looking down at her friend Toby. "I guess it wasn't meant to be. I'll try again tomorrow," Mac continued quietly.

Martha's eyes followed Mac's gaze. "He loves you, Sarah."

"What?" Mac gasped wide eyed and a little shocked as she looked up and into the eyes of Chloe's grandmother.

"I mean Toby. I don't think he will ever let you out of his sight again. Since you've been here the little guy has never left your side, has he?"

Mac shook her head. "No, he hasn't," she answered with a laugh. "He even protects me while I'm using the bathroom by standing guard in front of the door. Toby is really lovable and I'm not sure if I'll be able to leave him behind."

"Well, do you have to leave him behind? I mean, sooner or later we'll have to give him and his sisters and brothers away. We can't keep them all. You are more than welcome to take him back to Washington with you."

Mac thought a few seconds about Martha's offer before she smiled gaily. "You know what, Martha? I think I love the idea," Mac softly told Martha, looking down again at the dog. "I think he would like it in Washington."

They didn't speak for a few minutes until Martha broke the solemn silence between them. "Mac? Would you like to have more tea?"

"Yes, please."

When Martha returned to the living room two full cups of tea in hand, she found Mac deep in thought. It wasn't the first time Martha caught Sarah so preoccupied. Obviously, something was bothering her, and she couldn't help but wonder if a certain naval commander wasn't at the root of her unrest.

"Sarah?" Martha spoke quietly so as not to startle her but failed.

"What?" Mac jerked slightly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Here's your tea," Martha said while giving the cup of tea to Mac.

"No, I'm sorry. I guess I was deep in thought."

"Yeah, I could see that. It's something that's been happening a lot ever since you've been here. Is everything okay?"

"No, not really," Mac quietly answered, more to herself than to Chloe's grandmother. "But being here has helped me see a few things more clearly. I'm beginning to think that there is a way to resolve some of my issues and get my life under control again. I have to face the truth, and the more I think about it, the more I know what I have to do," Mac replied softly, as she continued to ponder what she should do next.

'I think I know how to find Sarah again. And I think I know how to feel free again,' were the thoughts running through Mac's mind.

It had hit her so unexpectedly like a bolt of lightning. How had she not seen it sooner? The missing link had suddenly become so obvious… it was one Harmon Rabb, Jr. He was the only one who could make her feel whole again; but in order to let him in, she would have to let down the barricade that she had so carefully built around her heart.

Could she do it? Could she relinquish the barriers and bare herself to him again? She would become susceptible and endanger herself to all the pain she worked so hard to avoid and it scared her silly.

As a marine she always felt capable of conquering all obstacles in her midst; but as a woman, she always doubted her self-worth and self-confidence. She knew now more than ever that if she were ever going to regain control over her life and feel free again, she would have to let go.

Though it would be difficult to let down the facade that had been in place for what seemed to be a lifetime, she knew she had to because Harm was the only one who had the ability to complete her; he WAS the other half of Sarah MacKenzie.

She only hoped that it wasn't too late for them to get it right.

For the rest of the evening they spoke mainly about Chloe while Toby slept peacefully in Mac's lap. It was getting dark now and with a fifteen minute walk back to the cottage, Mac decided to wake Toby and start back.

"Thanks, Martha. For everything," Mac said while giving her a warm hug.

"You're more than welcome, Sarah. Good night."

"Good night," Mac replied and then looked down at her little friend. "Come on Toby, let's go home. I'd like to take a late night swim in the lake. It's still warm enough to enjoy a few minutes in the water, don't you think?" Mac told him as they made their way back to the cottage.

She was feeling much better having come to terms with her inner turmoil, and it was evident by the slight spring in her step as they headed back.

x

**Anderson's Farm**

**The Main House**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**11:09 PM**

Martha was on her way back into the house after she had checked everything outside, when she heard the sound of a motorcycle getting nearer and nearer. A few seconds later she was greeted by a glaring light before a motorcycle came to a stop in front of her and was turned off.

"Mrs. Anderson?" A man asked her before he took off his helmet.

"Yes, I'm Mrs. Anderson. And you are?" She asked curiously.

"My name is Harmon Rabb Jr. I'm a friend of..."

"Sarah's," Martha concluded his statement.

"Yes, Ma'am, that's correct. I'm sorry, I know it is already pretty late, but I really would like to see her."

Martha let her gaze wander and looked past Harm. "Well, I'm not quite sure if she's still awake, but you should try it anyway. Just follow this path and then the one along the lake. It's about a fifteen minutes walk. Sorry, but with the motorcycle you wouldn't make it very far."

"That's not a problem, Ma'am. I've been sitting long enough. I really do need a break right about now." Harm answered her, displaying his trademark flyboy grin. "Thank you for your help, Mrs. Anderson."

"Martha. Please call me Martha, and you are very welcome. Good night, Commander."

"Good night, Martha," Harm softly said and then he made his way to the cottage. 'I hope she's still awake and hopefully not too angry with me for coming here,' Harm thought shrugging. "Well, at least it's not raining and it's still pretty warm. I should be able to survive if I have to sleep outside her door," he told himself grinning.

Harm enjoyed the walk. From what he could see by the moon's illumination, the area appeared to be beautiful, and it reminded him a lot of his grandmother's farm. He was anxious to have the chance to explore the vast landscape surrounding him even more in the bright daylight.

After twelve minutes of walking, a little cottage came into view. 'Hmm, no lights are on. Maybe she's already asleep,' Harm thought. That's when he caught sight of something that stopped him dead in his tracks.

Well, it wasn't something; it was someone.

'Oh… my… Breathe, Rabb… You have to breathe… God she is beautiful,' were Harm's first thoughts when he caught sight of her in the middle of the lake. Her back was turned to him and the moon was reflecting off the water and casting its glow on to her gorgeous wet curves, making them shimmer. Even though Harm couldn't see too much, it was obvious to him that she wasn't wearing a swimsuit.

Sarah MacKenzie was a few feet away from him and she was as naked as the day she was born.

She looked so vulnerable, and he couldn't help but think how she'd definitely threaten to kick his six if she knew what he was thinking right now.


	5. Chapter 5

The Need to Feel Free Again - Part 5

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information

* * *

** Anderson's Farm **

**The Cottage **

** Brattleboro, Vermont **

** 11:23 PM **

'Okay, what am I going to do now?' It was like Harm's brain had disengaged from his body and neither would cooperate. He was taken so off guard that all he could do was stand there in the shadow of the fir tree shrouded by darkness and stare at her. His heart was beating so erratically it was as though he was running for his life.

Funny how wanting to run for his life had become a familiar emotion for him to feel when it came to Mac, but not this time. His pulse was racing, and he knew exactly what he wanted to do; it had nothing to do with running.

'Woof woof'

'Woof woof'

The incessant barking pierced the silence and brought Harm out of his reverie. Looking down he saw two rather angry looking brown eyes staring back into his own. The Golden Retriever puppy was still barking, growling wildly, and baring his teeth in an attempt to look and sound ferocious.

'Gggrrrr… Woof woof… Gggrrrr… Gggrrrr… Woof woof…'

Harm instinctively took a little step backwards attempting to calm the dog when he suddenly heard a splash coming from the lake.

'Gggrrrr… Woof woof…'

Harm no longer cared about the angry puppy in front of him. He quickly looked in her direction to see that she had turned around and submerged herself enough so the only part still visible was her face.

'Woof woof'

"Hello? Who's there?" Mac asked sternly, having been alerted by Toby's growls and yelps.

"Mac, it's me," Harm quickly replied. Thanks to the bright moonlight he could see that as soon as he'd answered her, Mac's first reaction was to takea step further back to get into even deeper water.

"Harm?" Mac asked surprised. "What are you doing here?"

'Woof woof… Gggrrrr… Gggrrrr…'

"Toby, stop!" Mac commanded and Toby got quiet immediately.

Harm didn't answer her. Instead he emerged from the dark, stepping closer to the lake's shore.

"Harm?" Mac called out, and as she saw him coming closer, she continued her retreat going further back.

He was momentarily speechless. His mouth was completely dry, his palms were sweaty and he had to keep telling himself to breath. She was absolutely captivating; and as the thoughts that were rambling around in his brain finally became coherent, they tumbled from his lips.

"I forgot how beautiful you are," Harm whispered, yet loud enough for her to hear.

"What?" Mac asked completely surprised by his candor and watched him carefully to be sure that nothing had finally snapped in him.

Her thoughts were transported back to the last time he spoke those exact words to her. She felt a slight tingling sensation when she realized that the circumstances were quite similar. She had been up to her neck in water then also.

"I'm coming in," Harm stated and spontaneously started removing and dropping his leather jacket while attacking the buttons on his shirt.

"No, you are not!" Mac answered emphatically. "Harm!"

He either didn't hear her or didn't care because after his shirt and undershirt were off, he started to untie his shoes.

This was an eager sailor on a mission, and his objective was to join her under the stars in the serenity of the lake.

"Haaarmmm!" Mac tried a little more forcefullyto get his attention. "What the heck do you think you're doing?"

"Getting undressed!" Harm answered without wavering, continuing to shed his clothes. His socks were now gone and his jeans were well on there way off as well.

'Okay, turn around, Marine. You have to turn around,' Mac ordered herself over and over again, but her body was unable to do what her brain instructed, because she couldn't stop staring at his gorgeously toned muscular body which was clearly visible in the moonlight.

Now clad in only his boxer briefs, her partner, best friend, and the man of her dreams stood at the edge of the lake and for a second he looked unsure of what his next move should be, but that uncertainty was short-lived as a smirk suddenly appeared on his face.

"Haaaarm… if I were you I wouldn't...," Mac yelped trying to tell him that he shouldn't jump into the water but at once lost track of her thoughts as she watched open-mouthed as he removed the last piece of clothing from his body, his boxer briefs. Then, without thinking twice, he jumped into the water splashing loudly.

"...do that," Mac ended her statement in disbelief. 'Oh… my… God… Harm just stripped in front of me!

She was completely awe-struck by what she had just witnessed. He was so close, and what he was about to do had Mac gasping for air and trembling in anticipation.

She couldn't help feeling optimistic that his being there meant that maybe, just maybe this time they would finally both be on the same page at the same time.

A few seconds later, she heardanother loud splash. This time it came from directly behind her; she turned around quickly to see a very shocked Harm staring back at her.

"Jesus, Mac! This water is freezing cold!" He stuttered as his teeth chattered and his eyes opened wide, totally dumb-founded that he was actually in water this cold voluntarily.

Mac chuckled and shook her head. "Gee, Harm. It's May and the sun has been downfor hours. What did you think the water would be like? Were you thinking that the lake was heated by some underground heating system?" Mac jokingly asked him, amused by his puzzled look. "You're crazy, you know that?"

"Yeah, I've been told that once or twice." Harm smirked.

She continued to stare at him and unable to hold herself back anymore, Mac burst out laughing.

"Are you cold, Harm?" Mac tried to ask between her laughter.

"Nnnnooo, not at all," Harm said trying to sound confident but failing miserably.

"Are you sure? If you ask me, from where I stand, your lips are looking quite blue right about now. Or are you wearing lipstick tonight?" Mac asked sweetly. "Nice choice of color, Navy."

"Ha ha, very funny, Marine," Harm replied attempting to give her one of his flyboy-grins, which quickly turned into a frown. "Aren't you feeling cold at all?"

"No, can't say that I am," Mac answered assuredly. "Harm, I'm from Arizona where it's really hot all day, and at night the temperature drops to near freezing. I did a lot of night swimming there so I am very used to it."

Harm raised his right eyebrow. "Even skinny dipping?" He asked curiously as his teeth still chattered, hoping that his body would become accustomed to the current conditions.

"Yes, Harm, even skinny dipping," Mac answered matter of factly and continued to watch him carefully.

"Harm, you're freezing," Mac stated fretfully.

She couldn't help remembering the time he punched out of an F14 into the frigid Atlantic Ocean on the night before she was to marry Mic Brumby. He had been tossed around the turbulent water for hours before being rescued. She had almost lost him that night, and that frightening mishap on the eve of her wedding to the wrong man had awakened her true feelings and totally changed the course of her life.

She started to move closer to him, but stopped suddenly, feeling a little hesitant at the fact that they were both totally naked. She was also very aware ofthe fact they were on a sandbank in the middle of the lake. The water was only up to their neck because they were kneeling on the soft underground.

"Actually, it's getting much warmer from where I am," Harm breathlessly told her. He didn't miss Mac's hesitation to get closer to him as she was already near enough for him to take in all her beauty. All he had to do was let his eyes wander down to gaze at the water and the reflection from the moon's illumination would have revealed all to him. It would be so easy, but the gentleman in him wouldn't let him.

"It is, isn't it? Maybe a little bit too much?" Mac asked in a whisper and looked deeply into his blue eyes hoping to find in them what she was longing for.

Though he was filled with the desire to surrender his feelings and bury himself in her, he didn't want to take too much for granted or move too fast because he knew she could still go into marine mode, kick his six, and send him home. He wanted her to be truly ready, to set the pace, to be comfortable with him, and to want more than friendship. He wanted them to take the next step to an intimate relationship and become the 'us' that they once thought could never be.

"No, it never could be too much," Harm said hopefully, never breaking their gaze.

Having already admitted to himself that he wanted and needed Sarah Mackenzie as much as he needed air to breath, maybe even more if that was possible; he was more than ready to let go of all his own doubts and insecurities and take the next step.

"Never?" Mac whispered as she took one little step forward without hesitating this time.

"No. Never, Sarah!"

'Never' was a powerful word that still haunted them from a time past.

They had let a word, one simple word, uttered in haste and confusion under traumatic conditions a long way from home control the direction of their lives long enough. Now was the time to change all that 'let go' and 'feel free' just as they had already done countless times in the solace of their separate dreams.

Her heartbeat quickened, and she could hear the pounding in her ears. Could 'never' be taking on a whole new meaning? Did it no longer mean not ever? Could it now mean never part as in eternity?

The air was becoming saturated with an intensity of heat and hope.

It was all Mac needed to hear from him. She knew it was his way of repeating his proposition from an ill-fated time when he spoke the words 'come to me.'

And that's what she did. Mac inched closer to him and stood, bringing the water level to just below her breasts. This was something she had secretly hoped to do for years, and by going to him now she was taking the final step towards her destiny.

Mac licked her lips, took his face in her palms and bent down a little to kiss him, her partner, her best friend, but most of all the man of her dreams with all the love and passion she had in her.

Harm closed his eyes and responded eagerly. His prayers had been answered… she was ready. He was still kneeling in the water and not ready to move anything other than his lips. Finally, he was kissing his Sarah. Up until this moment kissing her sweet lips so freely was all done in the fantasy of his dreams. Although he couldn't forget the kiss they shared on the Admiral's porch. It was filled with a passion so strong that, given the circumstances, it both stunned and scared them.

When he did move, his hands immediately went to her damp back letting his fingertips draw circles and form a trail up and down her slender body. He instantly heard a muffled sigh but wasn't sure if it came from Sarah, him, or both of them.

The need for air finally broke their kiss; their breathing now heavy and erratic. _  
_  
"Hi," Mac whispered breaking the silence between them smiling seductively.

"Hi…You are so beautiful, Sarah," Harm tenderly told her before he started to kiss the valley between her breasts as his hands moved forward to lightly touch their outside curves. "So beautiful."

Mac closed her eyes to savor the feeling of his soft lips on her smooth skin before she stepped back and out of his reach.She opened her eyes and held out her hand to him.

"Please?" she muttered the word but Harm got the message loud and clear.

This time there would be nothing to interrupt them; duty would not call, there would be no ringing telephones, no one knocking on the door, no bombs dropping, no blonde bimbos, and no CIA spooks.

Without breaking their gaze Harm stood and in one fluent motion took her into his strong arms; dragging and crushing her against his solid body kissing her with a hunger and burning desire unlike anything he had ever felt before. _  
_  
Mac's hands slowly slid up his back feeling the wild dance of his back muscles beneath her smooth fingertips. As her arms came up behind his neck and into his hair, her fingers linked to pull him closer to her, deepening the kiss and taking it to an even more passionate level. When they had to break their kiss again, Harm started to tenderly kiss Mac's cheeks, eyes, and nose before starting to place tiny wet kisses down her neck and behind her ear.

That's when he heard it. The sweetest words he would ever hear from her, whispered quietly into his ear. "Please make love with me, Harm."

"Yes. Oh God, yes, Sarah."

Making love with Mac, this wondrous act was what he had always wanted to do with her. His dreams were about to come true. Placing another soft and sweet kiss to her swollen lips he murmured, "Let's get out of here."

"Race you, first one to reach the shore gets to be on top," Mac stated deviously with a glimmer in her eyes, and without waiting for an answer from him, she dipped into the water anxiously trying to get away from Harm.

However, before she had the chance to reach dry land Harm had his strong arms wrapped around her and was holding her again. He pressed her wet body to his chest as they stood on the shore and his desire for her was becoming even more evident as he rubbed himself longingly against her back.

"I guess the water wasn't as cold as I thought," Mac gasped and in turn rubbed herself against him.

"That's what you do to me, Sarah," Harm groaned. "I didn't know wanting to be on top was important enough to make you cheat. You are just full of surprises, MacKenzie," Harm whispered huskily.

"Actually… I would much prefer to take turns," Mac whimpered lightly distracted by Harm's hot kisses on her neck and shoulder. "And I wouldn't really call it cheating." She took his hands from her belly and slowly moved them up to cup her breasts.

"We should go in," Harm uttered without ever taking his lips off of her.

Mac slowly turned in his arms and pressed her body tightly against his. Her lips met his again, and she ran her tongue along his bottom lip begging for entrance, which he instantly granted. Her hands explored his body while their tongues tangled passionately until air became necessary. She reluctantly pulled away and stared into the depth of his eyes.

Harm's arms went around her picking her up. His hands gently cupped her buttocks while Mac wrapped her legs around him, giving her the opportunity to grind herself against his desire, getting a deep groan from Harm in response. Placing another kiss on her sensuous lips he murmured, "You better stop that or I'll take you right here right now."

"Promises, promises," was Mac's only reply.

She was definitely enjoying the effect she had on him.

Silently they made their way to the cottage still exchanging hot, steamy kisses along the way. Mac glanced over Harm's shoulder to make sure Toby was okay. She smiled when she saw that the little guy had fallen asleep on Harm's shed clothing.

They were barely inside the door when Harm turned around and pushed Mac against it, slamming it shut with a loud thud. He was placing hard and needy kisses to Mac's aroused body while she continued to grind her hips into his growing desire for her.

Breaking the kiss, Harm looked deeply into her eyes. "I want you, Sarah. I need you so much," he told her with a husky voice.

"You have me!" Mac whispered and kissed him all over his face. "I want you too."

Turning again, Harm carried her to the bed in the middle of the room. He gently placed her down on it, and as she laid there the only thing he could do was stare at her adoringly. "God, you are gorgeous." He looked at her with such intensity; it was as if he was asking for her permission to love her.

Mac leaned back on her elbow and crooked a finger at him. With a sexy smile on her face she gave him permission. "C'mere, Sailor," she whispered before her lips captured his and their bodies became one.

Their lovemaking was slow and gentle. They had never had an experience like that before. It was the first time that either of them had truly and totally made love to someone. They took turns being on top, before they fell into an exhausted sleep in each other's arms.

The walls that they had both constructed to shield their once stoic hearts had finally been dismantled and ultimately allowed to shatter.


	6. Chapter 6

The Need to Feel Free Again - Part 6

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information

**May 29, 2004 **

**Anderson's Farm**

**The Cottage**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**06:57 AM**

Mac slowly opened her eyes afraid that she had been dreaming again. She was delighted when she discovered she wasn't as she could feel Harm's warmth surrounding her. She was so content at that moment; she couldn't help but smile. He was spooned against her from behind, and his arms were safely wrapped around her waist while his legs were entangled with hers. She enjoyed the feel of his hot breath tickling her neck.

'This feels like heaven,' Mac thought and relaxed closing her eyes. She not only felt sated both inside and out; she felt loved. Most of all, for the first time in a long time, she felt free again.

"Oh my god," Mac whispered opening her eyes wide. She was amazed at how right it felt to be in Harm's loving arms. 'This is it. I was right all along. He really IS all I need to mend my tormented heart and make me feel whole again. How could I have let my own stubbornness blind me to the fact that his love has been right in front of me all along?'

Their lives had always been intricately woven together from the day they met in the rose garden, but she had always let her self-doubts and insecurities cloud her vision. Not any more, because she was now certain that the essential piece of the puzzle that had been missing to complete Sarah MacKenzie, was this wonderful man lying lovingly beside her.

Any reservations she harbored were instantly forgotten the moment he had touched her. It wasn't just the incredible physical joining of their bodies. It was the way their hearts swelled and united as they consummated their love while their souls magically touched and intertwined to become one.

As she lay there encircled by him, there were no words to describe the euphoria filling her heart or the peace that enveloped her soul. It was a feeling beyond anything she could have ever imagined, even in her wildest dreams. Their bonding was totally mystical.

Mac had spent her whole adult life searching for something, and that something was Harm. She was now ready to embrace her destiny.

A small whimper from outside the front door brought Mac out of her deep thoughts. She slowly and carefully untangled herself from Harm's embrace trying her hardest not to wake him in the process and gave him a light kiss on his forehead. Then she stood up from the bed and put her robe on before making her way over to the door and opened it quietly.

Mac quickly walked outside the door so that a very excited and wide awake Toby wouldn't wake up Harm.

Mac smiled and got down on her knees to rub his ears, getting wet licks all over her face and a few happy yelps in response._  
_  
"Hi, sweetie. You're hungry, aren't you?" Mac softly asked her little friend who continued yelping. "Yeah, I know. Come on. Let's get Harm's clothes into the cottage and then I'll get dressed." She got up from her knees and made her way to the lake with her new friend in tow.

"How about getting some breakfast from town?" Mac asked Toby while she picked up Harm's clothes from the ground.

"Woof."

"Yeah, I knew you would like that idea," Mac responded and started to laugh when her stomach gave her its own approval with a loud and unmistakable growl.

x

**Anderson's Farm **

**The Cottage**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**03:21 PM**

Waking up slowing, on his left side, the first thing Harm encountered was two brown eyes staring curiously back at him.

"Woof."

"Oh, it's nice to meet you, too. Now where's your mommy?" Harm asked still groggy from sleep while he fondled Toby's left ear getting a few thank you licks to his wrist in response.

"Mommy's over here. Well hello, sleepyhead. Welcome to the world of the living," Mac greeted him softly from behind before she sat down on the edge of the bed to give him a little kiss on his lips.

But Harm had something else in mind. He quickly slipped his hands into her hair as he angled his mouth to deepen their kiss. Mac leaned in and ran her tongue along his lips, and he instantly parted them with a little moan.

"Woof."

Their tongues dueled seeking more. Mac started to moan when Harm placed tiny butterfly kisses along her neck, throat, and every part of her shoulder he could reach without her shirt getting in the way. Mac couldn't suppress a shiver when his arms moved underneath her shirt and his fingertips touched the bare skin of her back.

"Woof woof."

Harm pulled his hands from under her shirt to the front and started to unbutton it kissing every inch of skin he exposed with wet open-mouth-kisses.

"Harm...," Mac huskily said.

"Hmmm," Harm groaned before his mouth was back on hers.

"Woof, woof."

"We have to stop," Mac tried to tell him with a whisper.

"Okay," was all she got as an answer from Harm as his hands made their way to her breasts and traced the outline of her skimpy white lace bra.

"I mean it..."

"Why?" Harm asked breathily as he tried to get the front clasp of her bra open.

"Well… for one thing… Toby is watching us," Mac told him and pointed her finger to the now slightly annoyed puppy right next to them.

Another "woof" ensued as if the Golden Retriever puppy were saying 'Damn right I am, and I don't like being ignored.'

"You're right," Harm softly said before giving her a gentle kiss on her nose. "Good morning, Sarah."

Mac couldn't hold back the giggle.

"Try again, Sailor. It's already late afternoon. Don't tell me this itty bitty marine has worn out the big bad sailor?" Mac asked with a smirk while placing a sweet kiss on his lips.

"Only in your dreams, Colonel," Harm answered flashing one of his best flyboy grins.

"One day I'll tell you what I'm really dreaming about, Commander," Mac told him huskily. "But for now it's time to get out of bed, Flyboy. Are you up for a little adventure? Or are you too tired and want to rest a little bit more?" Mac asked gentlywith a worried tone to her voice.

She had promised herself to get behind what was bothering Harm. Mac didn't miss the fact that he had come to Vermont without having brought a change of clothes or any toiletries with him.

She had been very surprised this morning on her way to town, when she caught sight of his motorcycle in the driveway. Mac couldn't believe he actually came such a long way to her with his bike. 'No wonder he's so tired,' Mac had thought. Somehow though, she still couldn't get the nagging feeling out of her system that there was much more behind his sudden burst of spontaneity.

"What did you have on your mind?" Harm asked softly while caressing her left arm gently with his thumb.

"I had planned to go camping tonight. I wanted to ride Scout to a very beautiful place I found yesterday. I would like to take you with me, Harm," Mac told him tenderly never losing his gaze. "I bought some marshmallows and juice this morning and Martha even made a few sandwiches for us. Or do you have to go back already?" Mac asked, afraid of losing their newly found 'us' already. _  
_  
Giving her one of the sweetest kisses she had ever received, Harm made her fears dissolvein a heartbeat.

"No, I don't have to go back. Not until tomorrow that is," Harm assured her. "And I would very much like to spend the whole weekend with you, Sarah. If you will have me."

With the most beautiful smile he had ever seen she gave him the only answer he needed to hear. "Always! Why don't you take a shower, while I pack the backpack?"

"Good idea," Harm told her before he got out of bed, not feeling the least bit uncomfortable to walk naked in front of her. Before he reached the door of the bathroom he muttered a 'damn' loud enough for her to hear.

"What's wrong?" Mac wanted to know, worried that something had already gotten in their way.

"Nothing. I just remembered that I forgot my clothes at the lake last night. And I don't have a change of clothes with me," Harm told her without turning around, feeling a little embarrassed.

Harm didn't know Mac was standing so close behind him until he felt her hand on his back followed by a kiss between his shoulder blades.

"Don't worry, Harm. I know you didn't bring anything with you when I saw your bike parked outside this morning. Besides, Toby had made a bed for himself out of the clothes you wore yesterday, so while you were enjoying your beauty sleep, I brought them into town and had them washed. You'll find them in the bathroom. I also got you some shower gel, shampoo, a razor, shaving cream and a toothbrush. Now go shower Harm," Mac told him, but didn't let him go until she moved her hand from his muscular back to the hairs on his chest and then southward to give him a little squeeze.

"Thank you," Harm croaked still recovering from her intimate touch and nipped her lips lightly._  
_  
"Go, Harm!"

"Yes, Ma'am."

x

**Anderson's Farm**

**The Main House**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**03:53 PM  
**  
"Hello, Mrs. Anderson," Harm greeted Chloe's grandmother, who came out of the house before they were able to knock.

"Please call me Martha, Commander."

"And you can call me Harm, Martha," Harm answered with a sweet smile.

"Here, Sarah. I think I've made enough sandwiches for the both of you and here is the sleeping bag I told you about."

"Thank you, Martha," Mac said before giving the older lady a hug.

"You know where to find Scout. I hope you both have a great time up there," Martha told them before she turned around to walk back into the house.

Mac and Harm walked hand in hand followed by Toby to the stall where Scout was waiting for them.

"Umm, Mac?" Harm suddenly stopped and Mac turned around to look at him.

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Harm asked her with a worried tone in his voice.

"What do you mean, Harm?" Mac asked, afraid that he changed his mind about their plans.

"I mean going riding and camping. Won't it hurt your back? Sleeping on the hard ground may not be the best idea," Harm told her demonstrating just how much he cared and worried about her.

He wished he could just wrap his arms around Mac and protect her from anything that could hurt her. But most of all, he did not want her to endure any pain because of him either directly or indirectly.

"Don't worry so much, Harm. I promise everything will be okay. I rode yesterday and didn't experience any back pain during the ride or afterwards. And do I have to remind you about last night? Did I give you any reason to think that my back is bothering me in any way?" Mac asked him with a husky voice. Just thinking about their night together was making her shiver.

"No. Not at all," Harm answered her with an even rougher voice and dragged her to him to give her a passionate kiss.

He knew at that moment, for as long as he lived, no matter what happened between them, he would always worry about her just as he always had in the past.

"Then let's go," Mac said before they entered the barn together to get Scout.


	7. Chapter 7

_AN – Thank you so much for all the amazing reviews. Hopefully you like this part too… :)_

The Need to Feel Free Again - Part 7  
Disclaimer - See part one for all important information

**May 29, 2004  
Anderson's Farm  
Brattleboro, Vermont  
5:27 PM**

They both enjoyed the pleasantly peaceful ride to Mac's special place. No words between them were necessary as they were totally engrossed in the beautiful countryside surrounding them and in each other. Mac sat in front of Harm, holding the napping Toby close to her.

Harm had strapped the small backpack with the sleeping bag attached on his shoulder and his strong muscular arms were protectively encircling her slender waist. Harm would occasionally give her a little kiss on the nape of her neck or on the side of her cheek near her ear. Mac surprised him a few times by turning around just in time for their lips to meet sweetly. Being at ease with each other to touch and explore was exhilarating, and they grinned like giddy lovesick teenagers.

This recently acquired freedom with each other was a new experience and it felt so good.  
They didn't want to stop, hoping to make up for all the time they had lost by denying their true feelings.

A forty to fifty minute ride took them an hour and a half due to several detours by Mac. She was feeling so good nestled against Harm's solid body that she wanted to take her time getting to the place that she knew they would both savor immensely. She was also sure that Harm would never notice her minor deviations.

But she was wrong. Being a pilot gave him a great sense of direction. He HAD noticed, but didn't mind at all. He had figured it out when they passed the same tree for the third time. It was hard to miss. The tree had a carved heart around the initials C and G on the trunk. 'I guess Chloe knows this place as well,' Harm thought, assuming that the 'C' stood for Mac's little sister's first name, and smiled. No, he didn't mind at all. Actually, he was feeling quite content himself. There wasn't anything better than holding Sarah MacKenzie in his arms.

'Come to think of it, there is something even better than just holding her in my arms,' Harm thought remembering their passionate activities of the previous night and immediately intensified his hold on her, wanting to get lost in the moment and in the feeling of her soft body pressed so tightly against him. Right now Harm was glad Mac couldn't see him, or she would have definitely had something to say after witnessing the goofy grin he knew was plastered all over his face.

When they finally reached their destination, Harm was speechless. It took him a moment before he found his voice again and a simple "wow" was his only comment.

"It is beautiful, isn't it?" Mac asked warmly.

"No. It's… breathtaking," Harm whispered in amazement.

"I know. I actually found this clearing by accident. I think the sound of the waterfall over there brought me here. I nearly missed it," Mac quietly told Harm. "It's so peaceful up here."

"It's like our own little piece of paradise," was his heady reply.

Harm was overwhelmed at the incredible scene laid out before him. He was gazing at a crystal clear pond which housed a massive waterfall that flowed majestically down the side of the mountain.

"I intended to spend the night here last night, thankfully I didn't take the sleeping bag with me. Otherwise we would have missed each other," Mac quietly continued. "I spent a few hours here just thinking. The silence reminded me of our time in Afghanistan. Well, without the bombs of course," she added almost to herself.

They were still sitting motionless on Scout until Toby started to stir. Harm was the first to dismount before helping first Toby and then Mac down. Before Harm let go of her, he thoughtfully kissed her soft lips. "Thank you for sharing this with me, Sarah."

Her knees immediately went weak and her heart rate quickened at the sound of her given name coming from his lips. She wanted to ravish him right there on the spot, but knowing there were still things to do before bedding down for the night, she composed herself quickly. She would have to wait until later.

"Thank you for letting me share this with you, Harm," Mac delightfully answered before she gave him another light kiss. "We should start the fire, it's getting chilly."

"Good idea. Let me find some wood for the fire while you find a place for Scout," Harm offered.

"Let's do it."

It didn't take much for Harm to get a fire started, which was now ablaze fueled by the delicate breeze.

After Mac had found the perfect place for Scout, she started to prepare their roost for the night. It was their last night together before Harm had to return to Washington. It made her sad to think about it, so she did everything in her power to ignore the fact that their parting was imminent. The here and now was the only important thing to her. They were together and that's all that mattered.

She watched him carefully while he sat pensively in front of the fire. 'He looks so sad,' Mac thought and unconsciously started to nibble on her lower lip. That was when she saw the single tear slip from his eye and run down his cheek. She slowly stood up and made her way to him. After settling down behind him, Mac took him in her loving arms.

"What's wrong, Harm?" Mac asked wistfully and kissed away the tear on his cheek.

He had finally stripped himself of the armor that shielded his emotions, and allowing her to see him in such a weak and vulnerable state broke her heart. She prayed that this simple act of taking him in her arms would transfer her positive energy, mend the gap in his heart, and remove all his pain because she couldn't bear to see him suffer.

"It's nothing, Mac. Don't worry, okay?" Harm asked her and once again tried to change the subject. But Mac wouldn't let him evade her this time. She had promised herself that she would get to the root of what was troubling him.

"It's already too late for me to not worry, Harm. I know something is bothering you, and I think it's time for us to share everything," Mac coaxed. "Please, don't shut me out anymore."

They had always been so good at dodging each other, putting up walls and pretending that nothing was wrong, but it had to stop here.

She gave him another kiss, placing this one on his neck. "What drove you up here in the first place? You didn't originally plan to be here with me, I know that."

"No, you're right. It wasn't planned. It just happened. At first I didn't even know that I was on my way to you. But why are you so sure I didn't plan to surprise you?"

"Harm, you don't have a change of clothes with you and no toiletries either. You also are here with your motorcycle. I don't think you would have chosen your bike for the drive up here."

"Very good detective work, Sherlock," Harm softly said in a joking manner.

"Why thank you, Mr. Watson," Mac quickly responded and intensified her embrace, giving them both a moment to regroup. "Where were you going before you ended up here, Harm?"

"Sarah. I planned to go flying with Sarah." Harm sighed closing his eyes and rubbing them with his hands. "I had a rough night Thursday and didn't get any sleep at all. The Admiral gave me permission to take a half-day on Friday. Well, while I was sitting at home I remembered your words and they made me take action."

"So that's why you slept so long today. And here I thought it was because I wore you out," Mac kidded before she got serious again, wanting to get back to what was troubling him. "What words?" She whispered.

"You told me that you wanted 'to feel free again'. Those words motivated me to go," Harm gently answered her.

"Will you tell me why you didn't get any sleep that night? What was bothering you so much that you couldn't sleep?" Mac asked worriedly.

"Mattie."

"Mattie? She's alright, isn't she?" Now she was even more concerned than before. "Of course she is. I mean, you wouldn't be here if she wasn't okay. What's wrong, Harm?" Mac got on her feet and moved in front of him. She kneeled in front of him in the space between his legs and placed her hands on his knees. She looked deep in his eyes and witnessed an intense sadness there. "Harm, please?"

"I'm losing her, Mac" was the only thing Harm was able to say.

"Her dad?" Mac asked softly.

"Yes…. They're spending a few weeks together, camping in the Shenandoah Valley. She was so happy about it. Seeing her so happy made it clear to me that the time has come to let her go," Harm answered tearfully. "I'm happy for her, Mac. I just don't want to lose her," he continued while another tear fell down his cheek.

Mac took his face into her palms. She gently kissed his eyes, cheeks, nose, and finally his lips. "Harm, you will never lose her. She'll always be a part of your life. When I talked with her, she told me over and over again that you are a big part of her life and that she never wants to not have you in it," Mac confidently told him before she took him into her arms, just to hold him for a while.

"Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't you tell me about this when I asked you in your office? I knew something was bothering you and I was worried."

"Mac, you already had so much on your plate, I didn't want to drop this on you on top of everything you were already going through. I thought I could deal with it on my own." Harm sighed shrugging his shoulders.

"But you couldn't, and I think that's what brought you here to me, Harm," Mac told him tenderly.

"You think so?" Harm asked astonished.

"No!" Mac answered seeing a very confused looking Harm. "I know so," Mac continued and gave him a little smile.

"Why are you so sure?" Harm wanted to know.

"Before you came here, I had a lot of time to think about everything. About the last year, Paraguay, Clay, Sadik, you… and most of all about me, Sarah MacKenzie," Mac told him hesitating briefly.

"What did you find out?"

"Oh, a lot of things actually. But the most important thing I've found out is..." Mac paused for a second closing her eyes and digging down deep within herself to find the strength to tell him what she always had wanted to tell him.

Harm could see she was fighting with herself. Letting go had always been hard for both of them. But like she said before, it was time and he gave her the time, just like she had done for him.

"The most important thing I found out is that I love you, Harmon Rabb Junior," Mac continued diligently.

She took his hands in hers and looked into his eyes with such intensity that she could have sworn she saw his soul. "You are my destiny, and I am yours. You complete me just like I complete you. We are one. There is no denying it anymore, Harm."

"Sarah, I..." Harm started, but Mac's finger on his lips made him stop.

"Please, Harm, let me continue. You need to know why I said 'never' in Paraguay and why I did the things I've done in the past."

A nod from Harm gave her the permission to go on.

"My weakness made me say 'never' in Paraguay. That weakness was the fear to love you, Harm. I was never scared about you breaking my heart. I was scared about me breaking your heart. I have failed at every relationship I've ever had. Like I said last week 'men seem to pass through my life' and I didn't want to risk it with you. I couldn't risk it with you. I would rather have you in my life as my friend then not to have you at all. That's why I said 'never' to there being an 'us' in Paraguay. But dear God, I never thought it would end the way it did. You were gone. My greatest fear had come true and all because I tried not to let it happen in the first place. The result was the same. I need you in my life like I need the air to breath. Sarah MacKenzie without Harmon Rabb Jr. is like the ocean without the water; like a bird without wings. There is no way to survive." Mac stopped and inhaled deeply. It felt so good to let it all out and to finally say what she felt in her heart.

She exhaled and continued "You are my wings, Harm. And your love… well, it's like the wind gently caressing my wings encouraging me to soar freely. You are what enables me to survive. When you are not near, you are haunting my dreams and my thoughts. But when you are here with me... I feel free. I feel 'Sarah' and I know who I am, and I know what I want. When I woke up this morning and you were holding me in your arms with your heart beating against mine, I knew I found my answer; I found 'Sarah' again."

"May I speak now?" Harm asked softly with a glimmer in his eyes.

"Yes, you may," Mac answered in a whisper.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N – Kathy, this one is for you. My thoughts are with you, Cody and your family today. I love you my friend. Big hug - Michi_

The Need To Feel Free Again - Part 8

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information

**May 29, 2004 **

**The Clearing**

**Near the Anderson's Farm**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**6:27 PM**

"I love you too, Sarah. I am hopelessly, totally and madly in love with you. I wish I could find the words to tell you just how much I love you," Harm told Mac as he held her hands in his and looked deeply into her chocolate brown eyes.

"You just did, Harm," Mac whispered with tears in her eyes. "I can't tell you how long I've waited to hear those words from you." She leaned forward and gave him a soft kiss on his lips.

All her dreams were coming true, and she was so happy at that moment she thought she might burst. Her troubled past had always weighed heavily on her ability to look at life in a positive light and the possibility that there could actually be a happily ever after.

"Doset daram, Sarah MacKenzie," Harm huskily said. At those words, Mac all but melted on the spot. Harm stood there staring lovingly at her with his signature flyboy grin firmly in place and to say that she was completely shocked was putting it mildly.

"How?" Mac asked astonished.

"How did I know how to say 'I love you' in Farsi?" Harm asked pleased with himself for pronouncing it correctly.

"Yeah," Mac answered quietly.

"Mattie taught me how to say it," Harm said proudly.

"Mattie?" Mac was still surprised and wanted to know what Mattie had to do with this.

"Yeah Mattie. A few weeks ago, she asked me if I loved you. I told her that I did and she wanted to know why I hadn't told you yet, so I tried to make her understand that I didn't know how to tell you," Harm explained to Mac smiling as he remembered the conversation with his ward.

"What happened?" Mac wanted to know and Harm reconstructed in his mind what happened weeks ago before he started to tell her the story.

x

**Flashback**

"You know, Harm, just say the words 'I love you'. It's not that hard," Mattie told Harm boldly.

"Oh Mattie, I wish it were that easy." Harm sighed before he laughed silently and murmured to himself, "Maybe I should try to say it in Farsi or Russian."

He was sure Mattie had not heard him. However, Harm was wrong. Mattie had heard his last remark and left his place deep in thought with a mission to accomplish. A half an hour later she returned from her apartment, happy with herself for a job well done, and gave him a slip of paper with a few words on it.

"Mattie, what is this about? What does it mean?" Harm asked, finding himself very confused about the paper.

Mattie looked over his shoulder and pointed at the first sentence. "This means 'I love you' in Farsi," she told him with a smirk before she pointed at the second sentence. "And this is 'I love you' in Russian. Now you can tell Mac how you feel about her."

"Mattie, where did you find these?" Harm was amazed that Mattie was able to find the three simple words that had been so hard for him to say translated into different languages and wanted to know how she did it.

At that moment, Harm was transported back to the Admiral's porch and a conversation he had with Mac when they spoke about how he made 'simple things complicated' and she made 'complicated things simple'. He was still shrugging thinking how true it was when he was brought back to the present at the sound of Mattie's voice.

"On the internet, Harm," Mattie answered in an annoyed voice rolling her eyes. The fact that Harm knew less than nothing about the internet was adding to her annoyance with the gentle giant of a man who could deliver eloquent closing arguments in a courtroom, but couldn't say 'I love you' to the love of his life. "I found a very cool site where you can find out how to say 'I love you' in a hundred different languages. So, if Farsi and Russian aren't enough, I can look up how to say 'I love you' in Japanese, Hebrew, or in whatever other language you would like to say it in."

"How did you know where to find it?" Harm asked still amazed about his ward and what she was able to do. _  
_  
"Harm, don't ask," was all Mattie said. She knew it would do absolutely no good to tell Harm she just 'googled' a search. He just wouldn't get it.

**End of Flashback**

x

"Thank God I said the one in Farsi right. I wasn't sure that I could bring myself to say the Russian version without saying something that might embarrass me," Harm told Mac laughing and shaking his head as he finished his story.

"Ya tebya liubliu, Harm," Mac whispered against Harm's lips before she gave him another loving kiss.

"Ya tebya liubliu, Sarah," Harm repeated the Russian words sweetly against her ear which made Mac's body tingle from head to toe.

After hearing the whole story, Mac was shocked that he had actually admitted his feelings for her to Mattie so freely and made a mental note to discuss it further with him at another time.

The next few minutes were spent kissing and caressing each other. There was no need for words. Everything around them disappeared; it was just the two of them, celebrating their love for each other. The passion of their kisses increased when Mac pushed Harm's back on to the sleeping bag and lay on top of him. Their tongues dueled seeking for more. His hands drifted over her shoulders beyond the curve of her breasts, and down her sides until they settled on her rounded butt and proceeded to crush her against his solid body.

Mac clearly felt the desire Harm had for her and teased him by rotating her hips against him, eliciting a moan from both of them. Unfortunately, Mac's stomach picked that time to growl and the spell, as well as their embrace, was broken. They both were left breathless, panting and wanting more when their kiss ended.

"And you keep telling me, that I have bad timing," Harm said with a snicker. "Hmm, I guess my Marine is hungry. Looks like I better feed you. After all, I wouldn't want you to get mad at me," he continued. He was still breathless from their latest round of tantalizing activities, but couldn't resist giving her puffy lips one last kiss.

"Your Marine," Mac repeated with a glimmer in her eyes. "I like the sound of that. And now you better feed your Marine or you will definitely be in for trouble," Mac answered as she reluctantly got off of him. _  
_  
"Aye, aye, Ma'am… your wish is my command. What does Milady desire?" Harm asked as he stood and gave Mac a playful salute.

"For now a sandwich will do. However, please feel free to ask me that question again later sailor. I'm sure I'll be craving some sort of delectable dessert by then, and wanting to fulfill a lot of wishes," Mac told him in a sexy tone giving him a little mischievous smack on his well toned six. By now, she was totally amused and giggling wildly. Harm was enjoying the same good spirits, and she had to pull a quick marine move to avoid his playful reach.

"Just you wait, Marine. Just you wait," Harm leered.

"Yeah… yeah… promises… promises, squid," was her light-hearted response.

x

A short time later Harm and Mac sat comfortably on their sleeping bag directly in front of the glowing campfire. They enjoyed their time together while they ate their sandwiches and drank the juice Mac had bought earlier. Martha had even made meatless sandwiches just for Harm, since Mac told her he was a vegetarian. Suddenly Mac felt like she was being watched and looked up.

"What?" Mac asked bemused when she caught Harm staring at her.

"You have a dab of mayonnaise in the corner of your mouth," Harm told her with a twinkle in his eye as he leaned in. "Here, let me...," he continued before he sensuously licked it away with his tongue and kissed the now clean spot. "You taste so good, Sarah."

"Thank you," Mac huskily whispered before giving him a delicious kiss on his lips. "So, what would you like to do for the rest of the evening?"

Mac did not need to hear Harm's answer. One look at the smirk on his face and the glint in his eyes made it quite clear what he wanted. She swatted his arm scoffing. "You're incorrigible."

"And you love it," Harm responded waggling his eyebrows and grinning from ear to ear.

"Yeah, I do. Very much," Mac whispered. "How about going for a walk? This way we can wear out our little baby." Mac pointed at Toby, who was leaning over the water excitedly watching his own mirror image in the pond. "Then when he's finally out for the night… we can enjoy the naughty and wonderful adult things in life," She added licking her lips in anticipation of what was to come.

"Oh... I like the way you think... you've got yourself a deal, Marine," Harm answered with his best flyboy grin. In one swift motion he was on his feet. He quickly walked over to the pond to get his new 'buddy' ready for their walk.

Mac watched him in minor disbelief. She still could not believe it had finally happened, they had finally happened. They both let go, and it did not blow up in their faces, as she had once feared it would. Last night felt so right, it was full of passion and the gentleness she had often dreamed about. She always knew that Harm would be a thoughtful and generous lover, and he hadn't disappointed her. Neither one of them knew what the future would bring. Would Mattie go back to her dad? What would the doctor tell Mac next week?

Mac pondered these questions and she found herself not caring. She knew with Harm in her life she would survive, and she hoped Harm would feel the same with her by his side. She promised herself she would be there for him, if Mattie should go back to her dad. And she knew that Harm would be there for her no matter what the doctor told her.

Mac was so deep in thought she didn't even realize that Harm and Toby were standing in front of her. It was Toby's wet 'kisses' and a loud 'woof' that got her to focus. With a giggle, she pushed herself away from the playful Golden Retriever, who was now jumping all over the sleeping bag she was still sitting on.

"You okay, Mac?" Harm asked slightly worried.

"Yes, Harm, everything's okay. No wait, it's not okay; it's absolutely perfect," Mac told him as she stood up in front of him, put her arms around his waist and gave him a passionate kiss filled with desire and a promise of things to come.

Harm wrapped his arms around her to deepen their kiss.

"Let's go and enjoy this quiet and beautiful evening. Our baby over there is waiting for us," Mac whispered in Harm's ear as she pointed her finger at Toby. "The sooner we go for a walk, the sooner we can start our own magical evening...," Mac couldn't resist reaching up and teasing Harm's incredibly sexy bent ear with her tongue, "...and night."

That earned her a groan from Harm, who held her slightly tighter to him. "Good idea. Let me put out the fire and we're ready to go," he eagerly said and unwillingly let go of her.

"You better hurry up!" Mac commanded with a laugh.

"No worries there, Marine!" Harm chuckled while using the dirt around the fire to extinguish it.

"Didn't think so," Mac answered with a smirk.

"Okay, finished," Harm triumphantly said in a winner pose as soon as the fire was out. "Let's get going, Jarhead. It's getting dark and we don't want to get lost, now do we?"

"Of course not, but you ARE talking to a Marine here. There is no way we'll get lost on my watch," Mac confidently responded. "So Navy, do tell in what direction should we head?"

"I really would like to go in the direction that brought us here, because I wanted to take a better look at this special tree I saw," Harm smirked.

"What special tree?" Mac asked confused.

"I mean the tree we passed two or three times taking your special route before we got to the clearing. You didn't think you could outwit me, Marine, did you?" Harm said with a laugh. "You liked the ride, didn't you?" He whispered into Mac's ear before he nibbled at it and let his tongue forge a trail down her neck. This time it was Mac's turn to moan.

"Let's go," Mac said as she swallowed hard and tried to put a little space between her and Harm.

Harm laughed. "I got you, didn't I?"

"No, at least not yet." Mac smirked. "And now show me this special tree. What's so special about it anyway?"

"Oh, you'll find out soon enough. Come on, or Toby will be there before we've even moved one foot."

They made their way to the tree Harm told her about. At first, they walked silently holding hands, their fingers intertwined. However, after a while hand holding wasn't enough for them. For the rest of the walk they were arm in arm, exchanging ardent kisses and talking sweet nothings into each other's ears.

Toby was always a few feet ahead of them. He liked to play hide and scare with Harm and Mac. First, he would hide in the long log before he would jump out of it when Harm and Mac were in reach. He always gave them a warning 'woof' which eliminated the scare part of the game.But he was having fun, andHarm and Mac were enjoying the feeling of being 'a family'. It was a feeling they both longed for and did not want to miss out on anymore.

"This feels great, doesn't it?" Harm asked cheerfully. _  
_  
"Yeah, it feels like...," Mac started to answer before Harm joined in and they ended her sentence together.

"Family." They both looked deeply into each other's eyes and knew they were exactly where they always wanted to be. Together.

After a short time and some chasing after Toby, they finally reached the special tree Harm had seen earlier.

"You think these initials are Chloe's and her boyfriend's?" Harm asked Mac quietly.

Mac touched the heart on the trunk and Harm sensed a feeling of sadness ashe watched Mac. The tear that ran down her cheek was his clue. He stood behind her and took her in his arms. "What's wrong, Sarah? What's this tear for?" Harm asked before kissing the tear away.

"I remember Chloe once talked about a boy called Greg, but I have no idea if he was her boyfriend or not," Mac told Harm in a low voice. "The older she gets the more I feel she doesn't need me anymore. The little kiddo from long ago is a smart young lady now, and very capable of handling her own life," Mac continued, her voice trailing off. _  
_  
More tears began running down Mac's cheeks. She just couldn't hold them back anymore. Harm saw them and he felt her shaking in his arms. He knew these tears weren't only about Chloe. There had to be more to them.

He held her closer and kissed her ear before turning her around. He looked deeply into her tear rimmed eyes. 'She looks so sad,' Harm thought. It broke his heart to see her like this and he knew he had to help her in any way possible.

"Please, Sarah, tell me what's wrong. These tears are not only for Chloe, are they? Please, let me help you," Harm told her softly while trying to wipe her tears away with his thumbs.

"You know, Chloe made me realize that I can be a good mom, that I'm better than my parents. She gave me the courage to believe in myself and in my ability to handle motherhood. But Harm, what if I can't have any children? What if I've lost the chance to be a mom?" Mac asked tearfully. _  
_  
When Harm heard what Mac said his heart broke, and he couldn't hold back his own tears.

"Oh Sarah, no, please don't think like that. First of all, Chloe will always need you. And if it comes to the point that you and I can't have children, it just means they won't be our own flesh and blood. There are so many children and babies out there who have no family at all.

Sarah, one way or the other, you and I will have our own children. When we do, they will get all the love they deserve and they will feel the tremendous love their parents have for one another. Whatever the next weeks may bring to us, we'll get through it together. Always and forever," Harm told her affectionately. He gave her a gentle kiss full of love before he again took her in his arms to let her cry it all out.

When her tears finally stopped, Harm again looked lovingly at her and proceeded to kiss away the remnants of her tears from her swollen eyes, her now red nose and her water streaked cheeks with so much love and desire that Mac had all she could do not to start crying all over again.

She wanted to pinch herself so that she would know that this wasn't all a dream and this terrific man who had her wrapped in his arms was really hers.

"Come on, let's go back. I want to show the woman who is my life just how much I love her," Harm said quietly.

That's when he heard the most beautiful sound. His Sarah was laughing. After all those tears a few seconds ago, she was now laughing and it sounded so beautiful.

"What is so funny, Marine?" Harm asked with a raised eyebrow.

Mac just pointed at something behind him. He turned and laughed the minute he saw it.

There was Toby, curled up and out for the night.

"Well daddy, I guess it's time for you to get him to bed. Don't you think?" Mac asked with a glimmer in her eyes.

Harm just chuckled and took the sleeping Golden Retriever in his arms, making room to hold Mac, too.

Together they made their way back to the clearing where their night of passion and love would begin


	9. Chapter 9

The Need to Feel Free Again - Part 9

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information

**May 29, 2004**

**The Clearing**

**Near the Anderson's Farm**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**8:03 PM**

"Toby is still out like a light." Harm chuckled softly and decided it was a good time to find the puppy a suitable sleeping place for the night before joining Mac at the now blazing campfire she had lit upon their return.

Mac was on the sleeping bag in front of the fire when he returned. Harm sat down behind her, his legs stretched out on either side of hers, and encircled her in his arms while she leaned back against his warm comforting chest. "What will happen to him, when you have to go back to Washington?" Harm wanted to know and pointed to Toby. He had already become quite fond of the little Golden Retriever and the bond between the puppy and Mac was quite evident.

It made Harm remember the time her heart went out to another dog, Jingo. She had adopted the old guy in order to save him from extinction after he could no longer perform his drug sniffing duties. She always felt responsible for him losing his 'job', seeing as how it was related to a case she was working on. He had to smile when he thought about how the big bad marine could be such a softy.

"Martha asked me if I would like to take him home with me. He is so adorable, and we get along so well that I didn't even have to think twice about it, and said I would love to keep him."

Harm nuzzled her neck with his nose, inhaling her unique sweet scent and placed butterfly kisses on every bare inch of her skin he could reach. "That's great. I guess that means you guys are a package deal, huh?" He said with a smile nibbling on her ear as Mac moaned in response.

"Yeah, that's not a problem, is it?" Mac asked before she slowly turned around and seductively climbed into his lap straddling his legs. "I hope it's okay with you," Mac whispered before she gave him a tender kiss on his lips.

"It's more than okay, Sarah. I want to have the both of you in my life; I want to share my life with you and Toby," Harm told her huskily. He took her face in his palms, kissed her sweetly and gently lay back down on the sleeping bag and took her with him. "I'll just have to renovate my apartment a little bit though."

Mac placed her hands next to Harm's head so she could look into his beautiful blue-green eyes.

"Why do you need to renovate your apartment?" Mac asked a little confused.

"I want you and Toby to be over quite often and as you know, my apartment doesn't have any doors," Harm started to explain. While they spoke, his hands didn't remain idle; they drifted down her back and came to rest on her butt and he pressed her firmly against his now visible desire for her. "I'm not sure taking him for a walk will always be possible to tire him out." Harm smirked and squeezed Mac's behind even tighter to him.

"Good point," was all Mac could say before Harm sat up slightly and quickly flipped them over so that he was now on top of her.

"Is this okay?" Harm asked worried. "The ground is pretty hard, so when you start to feel uncomfortable we can flip over again."

The words she had spoken in Paraguay crept into her thoughts, but she was quick to dispel them because she knew they no longer had any bearing because who was on top was not important, they could definitely take turns being on top as long as they were together. Neither one was superior… their relationship was solid, and they would always be equals in life and in love.

"You worry too much, Sailor. Only taking off our clothes could make this even more comfortable than it already is," Mac told Harm greedily while her eyes darkened with desire. She grabbed his head and pulled his face to her mouth and kissed him passionately as her tongue traced the seam of his mouth, begging for entrance.

Harm opened his mouth and their tongues started the now familiar dance. Her hands drifted down his muscular back, grasped his buttocks, pulled him hard against her and wrapped one of her legs around his hip. When the need for air broke their kiss, Harm started to kiss her forehead, cheeks, and eyelids before giving her another passionate one on her full lips. When she looked deeply into his eyes she saw all the love, desire and passion between them reflecting back at her.

"I want to make love to you," Harm whispered into her ear before he took her earlobe between his teeth and sucked on it. She was quickly becoming putty in his hands.

"Yes." Mac moaned unableto say more. Harm moved his kisses down her neck as his right hand began to unbutton her shirt. With each undone button he leaned in to kiss and lick the newly exposed skin. When the last button was open, Harm circled her belly button with his tongue before he gave Mac a hand to help her up. As soon as she sat in front of him, Harm pushed her shirt off her shoulders and Mac took it off. He ran his hands up her bare arms to her back and unhooked her bra, slowly pushing it off her body while he gently kissed her collarbone.

He gently laid her back on the sleeping bag and followed her down to kiss her sweet lips tenderly. Mac's hands traveled down his back, reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it out of his jeans. Immediately her fingers found their way under his shirt to feel his smooth skin under her soft fingertips. Harm's fingers were just as busy massaging her ample breasts. _  
_  
When the need for oxygen made them break their kiss again, Harm kissed his way down to the waistband of her jeans. His fingers undid the button at the top and quickly unzipped them. Mac raised her hips a little to permit him to take them off. He slowly removed them and kissed every inch of new skin that was revealed with open-mouth-kisses. Mac had thankfully taken off her boots and socks earlier, so Harm was able to make quick work of taking the jeans off of her. Kneeling down between Mac's legs, he slowly unbuttoned his shirt without breaking their gaze.

"Enjoying the show, Jarhead?" Harm chuckled when he observed Mac licking her lips followingevery move of his fingers with lustful eyes.

"Oh yeah Squid, don't stop on my account. Yesterday it was way too dark to enjoy watching you strip it down," Mac answered gutturally with a sexy smile.

Harm's thoughts immediately returned to another time when she had used those exact words, but in a totally different context and couldn't help but smile and wonder what had taken them so long to consummate the foreplay that had been going on between them for years.

He was quickly brought out of his musing when Mac started tugging on his shirt trying to remove it from his shoulders.

As soon as the shirt was off of his shoulders, Harm was back in Mac's waiting arms, giving her a kiss full of desire. They both groaned when bare skin touched bare skin. His tongue ran along her lips, getting further when hers parted and he was able to indulge in the warm wonders of her mouth as their tongues dueled. Mac began to lightly run her soft fingertips down his chest and abdomen. She enjoyed the feeling of his hard muscles and chest hair underneath her roving fingers.

She broke their kiss to place tiny butterfly kisses on his throat and neck. Her reward was another deep groan from Harm. Her fingers made quick work at unbuttoning his jeans before her hands made their way to Harm's backside and inside his jeans to grasp his tight buttocks. She crushed his solid body even more tightly against hers.

"Mmmmhh, I didn't know you liked to go commando, Sailor," Mac purred into Harm's ear before she licked and nibbled on it.

"I've never tried it before, but for some reason my boxer briefs were not dry this morning, so I couldn't wear them. And I'm pretty sure your panties don't fit me, Jarhead," Harm said with a gravelly voice and gave Mac a hungry kiss.

"Oops, I guess I forgot to put the boxer briefs in the dryer with the rest of your clothes," Mac answered when they broke their kiss trying to sound totally innocent. She had to give up when she couldn't stop giggling.

"And now enough talk, take off your pants, so you can make love to me, Commander," Mac commanded as soon as her giggles calmed.

"Aye, aye, Ma'am," Harm answered with a smirk standing up. He first took of his boots and socks before he finally, ever so slowly, removed his jeans, so she could enjoy his strip a little longer.As soon as his clothes were discarded he reverently knelt down between Mac's legs kissing and licking her belly button gently while Mac's fingers ran through his hair near the back of his neck.

Mac couldn't stop the moan when Harm's fingers teased her through the fabric of her panties before his thumbs hooked into the sides of them to pull them slowly down while kissing her well toned long legs.

"Have you ever made love under a sky full of stars and the moon?" Harm asked with a husky voice full of desire while he lay on top of her with his chest pressed into hers. He looked deeply into her eyes and tried to find out if the position was in any way uncomfortable for her. The last thing he wanted was for their coupling to hurt her in any way, but all he saw in their depths was the love she felt for him.

"No, but I can say that I once had an explosive experience under a sky full of stars and the moon with the most handsome man in the world," Mac answered softly with a smile and a raised eyebrow. "And now stop worrying about me, Harm. You won't hurt me and you never could. Please make love to me," Mac said gently and started to caress his back before her hands grasped his buttocks and pulled him even tighter against her.

What followed was a never-ending story of love, passion, desire, and tenderness. They both took their time to caress, touch, kiss, pleasure, and explore each other in every way possible.

It seemed like hours before their foreplay was finally sated by their tender and gentle lovemaking, and their hearts were once again joined in love. They reveled in the freedom they had found together and in the words 'I love you' that were now so easy to voice.

x

**The Clearing**

**Near the Anderson's Farm**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**11:38 PM**

They now lay enveloped in an exhausted tangle of arms and legs in the sleeping bag, sharing their body heat against the chilly air outside their cocoon. Mac was asleep, her head resting on Harm's shoulder, but Harm was still awake, unable to find a peaceful sleep. He simply stared lovingly at her sleeping form and just couldn't seem to close his eyes because he knew that in a few hours he had to leave her and their newfound paradise and go back to Washington.

All he wanted to do was to spend every possible moment taking in her beauty. His thoughts were on the most incredible weekend of his life and he hoped that they could take their 'freedom' with them back home to Washington. He didn't know what the future would bring them, but he knew they would face any and all challenges together. They would conquer all obstacles in their way. He just knew it.

"I love you, Sarah," Harm whispered placing a kiss on Mac's head.

"I love you too, Harm," Mac answered quietly surprising him, since he hadn't known she was awake. She took her head from his shoulder and lay down on her back. "Come here," Mac said and took Harm in her arms so he could lay his head on her chest. "You have to try and get some sleep, Harm. You have over a seven hour ride on your bike tomorrow and you need to be rested," Mac continued worriedly while stroking his head. "Everything will be okay, Harm. Don't worry, we'll get through it."

"I know," Harm answered quietly and snuggled even closer to her warmth. "I'll miss you," Harm continued and placed a little kiss near her heart. He finally closed his eyes and fell asleep immediately in the comfort of her arms listening to the beat of her heart.

"I'll miss you too," Mac whispered when she felt Harm fall asleep.

Mac thought back to their talk on their way back from the tree to the clearing. Mac had offered to leave for Washington this Sunday as well, but Harm told her she should take her time and enjoy this peaceful place a little bit more. He would have to work on his new big case the whole week, so they wouldn't have much time to be together anyway. She knew he was right and that she needed a little bit more time to come to terms with the events that had taken place during the past year of her life.

"Everything will be alright," Mac whispered as she kissed the top of his head and held Harm even closer to her before closing her eyes and falling asleep as well.


	10. Chapter 10

The Need to Feel Free Again - Part 10

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information

**May 30, 2004**

**The Clearing**

**Near the Anderson's Farm**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**8:23 AM**

The minute Harm woke up, even before he opened his eyes, he knew something was wrong… something was missing. The warmth that surrounded him all night was gone. The only heat he felt was located near his left shoulder. Harm slowly opened his eyes and looked down to see Toby sleeping quite comfortably snuggled up right next to him in that special place that Mac had previously occupied.

'Great. This is the second time in a row thatI fall asleep with the most beautiful woman in the world in my arms, and wake up with a furry four legged creature cuddled up right next to me,' Harm thought smirking while shaking his head "Now where is your Mommy this time, buddy?" Harm asked Toby with a whisper, not really wanting to wake him up.

When he looked around in search of Mac, he could see that Scout was no longer in the same spot they had left him in yesterday. Moreover, right next to their sleeping place, he found a bag with a thermos full of hot fresh coffee plus a few bagels and strawberries. 'Hmmm, I guess someone was hungry, what else is new,' Harm mused and kept looking around. 'Now where is my Marine?'

Harm slowly got out of the sleeping bag, so he wouldn't disturb Toby's sleep. Looking around he found his jeans and started to get dressed.

When his eyes finally caught sight of her, he stood there in front of the pond totally mesmerized. "Wow," was the only coherent word Harm could utter as he let go of his jeans, dropping them to the ground. "I've died and gone to heaven," Harm murmured. "And I thought the scene at the lake yesterday was absolutely breathtaking."

On the other side of the pond, right in front of him, stood Mac under the waterfall. Her back was to him and her head was thrown back as she enjoyed the clear water that was soothingly running over her naked body. Thanks to her position, she had no idea that Harm was awake. With a gleam in his eyes, Harm quietly moved into the pond and swam ever so quietly over to the object of his desire. He moved through the water with the stealth silence of a SEAL ready to attack the enemy. As soon as he reached the rock wall, he silently moved out of the water and tiptoed towards Mac.

He came up behind her. "Good morning, Sarah," Harm whispered hoarsely in her ear. She jerked forward startled, but his arms instantly circled her waist drawing her back to him and his hands began stroking her belly.Harm nuzzled her neck sweetly before he slowly turned her around to face him.

"Mmmm, now it is," Mac said with a seductive voice and kissed Harm passionately savoring his warmth. She ran her tongue along his hungry lips, getting further when his lips parted. Mac started to moan when Harm placed open-mouth-kisses along her neck. "Good morning to you too, Sailor," Mac moaned. Thinking how she really could get used to greetings like that.

Harm twirled his fingers in her long hair and gave her a kiss full of desire and passion. Mac's hands traveled down his back, enjoying the way his muscles danced under her soft fingertips. She grasped his buttocks tightly and crushed his solid body provocatively against hers. She rocked her hips slightly against him, enticing a moan. Whether it came from him or from her, she didn't know nor did she care.

When the need for air broke their kiss, Harm started to lick and kiss his way down from her throat to her navel. The sensations that Mac felt through her body from his ministrations caused her head to rock back with delight. Harm's hands squeezed her butt before his mouth found its way back to hers.

It was a kiss full of hunger and Harm's hands once again grasped Mac's buttocks slowly lifting her up. Mac wrapped her legs around his waist and hooked her ankles together, keeping herself pressed against him intimately. Their arousal escalated from the close contact, making them both groan. Harm carried Mac to the rock wall behind the waterfall and leaned her gently against it.

He first kissed her lips gently and then started to kiss, lick, and nibble her ear, neck, and collarbone. Mac took Harm's face into her palms and looked deeply in his eyes. She kissed him with all the love she had for him before she broke it. She nodded to the silent question she read in Harm's eyes. She wanted this as much as he did and let him know that he would not and could not hurt her.

Though their lovemaking was powerful, it was still just as gentle and tender as their previous lovemaking episodes in the newly found sexual relationship that they shared. When their familiar dance was over, they spent a lot of time caressing and kissing each other until the growl of Mac's stomach broke their embrace and made Harm and Mac laugh.

"I guess it's time for breakfast," Harm softly said and licked Mac's right ear before he softly sucked her earlobe into his mouth, making her moan. "Hmm… I do believe your stomach is dictated by that internal clock of yours," Harm teased.

"Yeah," Mac agreed and groaned when they broke apart.

"You okay? I didn't hurt you, did I?" Harm worried when he heard her groan.

"Harm, I told you yesterday you could never and would never hurt me. If I ever feel uncomfortable, I promise I'll tell you. But please believe me when I tell you that what we just shared was every bit as exciting and as wonderful as our other times, and God knows I hope there will be many more times like this," Mac told him with a genuine smile placing a soft kiss on his lips while swatting his six. "Now let's go, I'm starving."

Mac started to walk through the waterfall, but Harm caught her hand. He took her back into his arms and gave her another long kiss. "I love you so much, Sarah MacKenzie. Thanks for making me feel free," Harm told her with a smile and Mac just smiled back and tugged on his arm.

Together they swam back to their roost where Toby was still sleeping soundly like a little baby in their sleeping bag. They dried each other off with the towel Mac got from Martha when she had ridden down to get some breakfast for her and Harm.

"What time did you get up this morning?" Harm asked curiously while he started to get dressed. He laughed when Mac handed him his now dried boxer briefs. "You're sneaky, Marine."

"I do my best," Mac replied with a roguish grin on her face. "I woke up around six. I thought I would ride Scout at a gallop and it worked just fine. It didn't take long to get us some breakfast at Martha's. I even had enough time to walk to the cabin so I could get your boxer briefs. After all, we can't have you going around commando now can we," she told him with a wink while she got dressed.

For the next thirty minutes, they sat and enjoyed their breakfast immensely. They fed each other ripe juicy strawberries, licking the sweet juices from each other's lips, as they kissed in between bites. When Toby finally woke up they both started to feed him some of the sausage Martha had given Mac specifically for the Golden Retriever. He always gave at least one 'woof' for a piece of food and a 'wet thank you kiss' in return.

Around ten o'clock Mac knew it was time for them to head back. They started to pack up their roost and prepare for the ride back. Thankfully, they didn't have time to think about the sad moment that lay ahead, as Toby did a great job of distracting them. He played with them and his crazy antics brought laughter from both Harm and Mac.

On their ride back they sat on Scout just like they had on their ride to the clearing. Mac sat in front of Harm while Toby sat in her lap. The only difference this time was that Harm had the reins in his hands. Just as Mac had not wanted to end their ride into the clearing, it was now Harm's turn to make a huge detour. It bought them at least forty more minutes to be together until they finally reached the Anderson's farm.

x

**Anderson's Farm**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**11:38 AM**

They brought Scout back to the stable and were now standing in front of Harm's motorcycle.

"I guess this is it," Mac said sadly while Harm held her in his arms.

Harm drew back a little so he could look into her eyes that were emitting so many emotions. "Hey, it's only for a week. It will be over before you know it," Harm told her with a smile, trying his best to sound self-assured. He didn't want to leave her in a sad mood. He knew this week would be over before either of them knew it. At least that was what he was hoping.

"Are you sure I shouldn't drive back to Washington today as well?" Mac asked.

"Yeah, I'm sure. The Thomsen case won't allow very much time to enjoy having you around and it wouldn't be fair to you. You should use this week to stay here, relax and have fun. Moreover, I bet Toby would like to have another week here as well. Don't worry, Marine. We'll be together again very soon and then..." Harm stopped to kiss her passionately.

"And then we'll make our own paradise in Washington and we'll feel free," Mac continued Harm's sentence when they broke their kiss.

"Oh, for sure we will," Harm answered, giving her the flyboy grin she loved so much. In return, he was rewarded with the most beautiful smile he had ever seen from her.

"Drive carefully and please call me when you get home. If you can't reach me then at least give Martha a message for me, promise?" Mac asked delicately.

"I promise!" Harm answered, giving her one last kiss filled with all the love he had. "I love you, Mac."

"I love you too, Harm. Now you better go quickly, or I won't be able to let you," Mac told him with just a hint of a smile and a tear in her eye.

"I know that feeling," Harm answered with a glimmer in his eyes, hoping to curtail his own tears from falling.

Harm got down on his knee right in front of Toby. "And you, buddy… you take good care of your Mommy. You hear me? She is the most important person in my life and I know she's yours as well. I can count on you, can't I?" Harm asked the puppy rubbing his ears.

"Woof woof," and a few wet licks were the answer he got from the Golden Retriever.

"Good boy," Harm said with a chuckle before he took Mac back into his arms.

"See you soon, Marine," Harm said. He gave her another soft kiss on her lips and wiped away the tear that started to run down her cheek. Then he let go of her to put his helmet on and started the engine.

"See you soon," Mac answered and waved one last time before Harm drove out of the driveway on his way back to DC.

Mac couldn't keep her eyes from the driveway and his retreating form. She thought about the decision she made earlier in the morning while she watched Harm sleep and when she rode to get breakfast. She knew what she had to do. She owed it to herself just as much as she owed it to Harm. She needed to do it in order to assure them a stabile and happy future. It was the first time she felt free to accept this option. It was the first time she even wanted to use the option.

A whimper from Toby finally brought her out of her thoughts. When she looked down at him she could swear she saw a look of sadness in his eyes and she was sure she mirrored the same look. She got down on her knees and started to pat him gently and rub his ears.

"I know you're missing him, Toby. I'm missing him, too," she told the Golden Retriever softly.

"Woof," was Toby's answer followed by a slobbery kiss that broke the tension and made Mac giggle.

"Come on, I have to make a phone call," Mac told the puppy and together they walked into the house to make one of the most important phone calls of her life.

x

**Anderson's Farm**

**The Main House**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**11:49 AM**

"Hello, Sarah. I assume that was Harm who just drove off?" Martha asked Mac when she walked into the kitchen. Martha looked up from the counter and stared intently at Mac. "You don't have to answer that Sarah, because it is clearly written in the depths of your eyes," was Martha's heartfelt response.

Martha walked over to Mac and gave her a much needed motherly hug.

"This is crazy. He's just gone for two minutes and I already miss him terribly," Mac choked out with a laugh that sounded more like a sob.

"It's not crazy, Sarah. It's called being in love," Martha told her softly when she broke their embrace. Mac's only answer was a warm smile and a nod.

"Martha, can I use your phone for a long-distance call? I have to make an important call and I've left my cell phone in the cabin."

"Of course you can. You know where to find it," Martha answered getting back to her work.

"Thanks," Mac said and walked into the living room. She pulled a business card out of her pocket and dialed the phone number on it. She knew she would get the answering service on a Sunday, but didn't care. She just had to make this call.

"Bethesda. This is the office of Lt. Cmdr. McCool. How may I help you?" A female voice asked on the other side.

Mac took a deep breath. She was surprised when the doctor herself picked up instead of the answering service. 'Guess I'm not the only one who likes to work on a peaceful Sunday,' Mac thought.

"This is Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie. I would like to make an appointment," Mac said, sensitively closing her eyes for a second. She was happy she had mustered the courage to take another big step in her ongoing journey to feeling free and being Sarah MacKenzie again.


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N – I'm so sorry but between work and planning my trip to Ireland, I totally forgot to post this part yesterday -blush-. Anyway, here it is. Once again I want to say thanks for all your comments and kind words. I really appreciate it. Take care and enjoy… I hope._

The Need to Feel Free Again - Part 11

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information

**May 30, 2004**

**Anderson's Farm**

**The Cottage**

**Brattleboro, Vermont**

**2:23 PM**

Mac and Toby had lunch with the Anderson's and were now back at the cottage. On their way back it had started to rain lightly. The occasional burst of vivid lightning in the fast moving purplish clouds followed by the faint rumbling of thunder made it obvious that a thunderstorm would soon be upon them.

Mac let her eyes wander to the window. She wistfully watched the raindrops run down the windowpane as another bolt of lightning illuminated the otherwise dark sky. 'This would be so utterly romantic, if I wasn't alone here in the cottage with just my four legged friend. I hope Harm was spared this nasty weather on his drive back,' Mac thought, closing her eyes and sighing. 'Harm.'

The walk and swim in the lake she had planned earlier were definitely not going to happen today. Only Toby's needs could get them out of the cottage in this weather. Mac lay on the bed with Toby right next to her. She rubbed his ears and read her new book 'Without Remorse' by Tom Clancy.

She could have read a romantic novel, but the last thing she needed right now was reading about a steamy romance. It would only cause her to miss him even more, if that was even possible.

Mac tried to concentrate on her novel, but she couldn't help noticing the look Toby kept giving her, and it had nothing to do with the thunderstorm since she knew that the puppy wasn't afraid of it anymore.

At the first clap of thunder, he'd quickly run under the bed with a yelp. Mac somehow was able to make the little guy see that there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of. So after a while he meandered from under the bed and once again joined his master on the soft comforter, his eagle eyes watching her intently.

But Toby's big sad eyes weren't giving her the 'I'm scared of the thunder'-look anymore. No, it was more like the 'I'm missing him'-look accompanied by a whine whenever she looked at him.

Sighing, Mac closed her book with determination and looked at Toby. "This is not what we want, is it?"

"Woof."

"Yeah, I thought so," Mac murmured as she got up from the bed. Toby watched her every move as she got a few things out of the bathroom and put them into a bag. Then he followed her in the main room to watch her grab a few other things.

When she finished her work, happy with her decision, she searched the rooms one last time. With a glint in her eyes and a smile on her face she looked back at Toby, who was once more lying on the bed. "What would you say about a ride in my corvette, Mr. Toby?"

Mac then sat next to Toby on the bed, pointed her index finger at him, looked him straight in the eye, using her best drill sergeant voice and began. "Before we go, we need to have a little chat. I'm happy to be taking you back to DC with me, but we need to lay down some ground rules. You have to remember that I'M the boss. I will accept nothing but your perfect behavior… do you understand? There will be no chewing on the seats of my car, or on my furniture and most of all not on my shoes. You got that? You will come when I say come, and you will go when I say go. You will take care of business outside when we go for walks and not in my apartment. You abide by all of the above and we will be just fine. Are you getting all this, mister? I certainly hope so, or else you will be back here so fast..," Mac inhaled deeply ending her tirade, and reached out to pet a now anxious Toby who sat patiently in front of her.

"Woof, woof," was the prompt response she got from a very excited Golden Retriever. It seemed like he knew exactly what was in store for them.

Mac shook her head in delight and laughed while rubbing his ears. "I'm glad we're in agreement," Mac responded. "Well then, let's get going."

Her little friend didn't need to hear that twice. He jumped from the bed and ran right to the door. To see him so impatient and eager to go made Mac laugh even more. "You got that right, Toby. You got that damn right."

x

**Harm's Apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**8:03 PM**

"Home, sweet home," Harm muttered when he opened the door to his apartment.

He had made better time on his drive back home than he had on his drive up to Vermont. The main reason had been the upcoming storm behind him. The last thing he needed was to be driving his motorcycle through a thunderstorm. He also had made fewer stops in between and was lucky to ward off the storm until he had reached DC so that he didn't have to drive too far in the soaking rain.

The first thing that caught his attention when he entered his apartment was the red light that blinked on his answering machine. Harm took off his drenched jacket, walked over and hit the play button. "You have three new messages."

The first message was from Harriet and Little AJ. They were inviting him to Little AJ's birthday party, which would take place next Saturday because AJ had come down with the flu on his birthday and couldn't celebrate then as originally planned. 'Saturday,' Harm thought with a smile. He knew Mac would be home by then and that she would never miss one of AJ's birthday parties.

The second message was from Sturgis. Varise was still out of town and Sturgis wanted Harm to join him in a basketball game. During one of his breaks on the drive back, Harm checked his voicemail to hear three messages form Sturgis. He remembered thinking 'poor Sturgis totally lost and bored without Varise,' and couldn't wait to tease him about it.

Harm had to laugh over the last message he heard earlier. Sturgis was very curious about his whereabouts, and he would make sure to find out on Monday who the woman was that was making his friend one lucky man. "Oh if only you knew, buddy. If only you knew." Harm chortled, thinking about his curious friend.

When the third message started to play, Harm stopped laughing and turned somewhat somber.

"Hey Harm, it's Mattie. Dad and I just finished breakfast and we're on our way out to take part in a Mountain Bike tour through the Valley. I just wanted to let you know that I'm okay and we're having a lot of fun. Most of all I wanted to tell you that I miss you, Harm. I wish you were here with us. But hey, maybe next time. Perhaps, Mac could come too? I'm sure you two would like it here. It's so beautiful. Well, I have to go, Harm. Dad's waiting. I'll see you soon. Love ya, bye."

"You have no more new messages," brought Harm out of the trance that Mattie's message had put him in.He had a weird feeling. On the one hand, he was happy to hear Mattie's voice. She sounded so excited and happy about spending time with her father.

Nevertheless, on the other hand it made him sad as well. It once again gave him the feeling that he would eventually lose her. However, Mattie did tell him she missed him and that only served to reinforce Mac's statement when she said he would never lose Mattie completely.

Harm took a deep breath and looked down at himself. "Well, I should get out of these wet clothes, take a shower and make some dinner. I need to work on the case anyway or Bud will have my six when we meet in court next week," Harm said aloud before he walked into his bedroom sheddingthe soaked clothes that had left a wet trail of rainwater through his apartment. He was looking forward to a nice long hot shower.

x

**May 31, 2004**

**Harm's Apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**0:03 AM**

It was a little after midnight and Harm was blurry eyed and exhausted. He just wanted to curl up in bed and get some much needed sleep. He had spent the last few hours working on his case by candlelight. His 'torture' had begun with a loud bang from outside shortly after he had finished his shower and was preparing his dinner.

The electricity in his apartment went off, and apparently the whole area was in darkness as well. It still wasn't back on a few hours later and Harm had to work by candlelight. 'It would be romantic, if I wasn't sitting here alone preparing a case,' Harm thought with a sigh while the thunderstorm continued to rage outside.

He had to forgo his dinner and was forced to search through his fridge. He did find three yogurts and a banana. Not what he wanted, but it would have to do. It wasn't the loss of his home cooked dinner that bothered him, it was the fact that he couldn't use his home phone to call Mac.

Sometimes cordless phones were a pain, especially when power was out, like now. The happiness about having at least his cell phone was gone in a heartbeat when Harm noticed the low battery flashing on his phone and he had no way of charging it. 'Could this day possibly get any worse,' was the thought that kept coming back to Harm throughout the evening. Looking down at the case that had been his company for the evening he got his answer. No. Absolutely… positively… definitely… a great big NO.

"This is pointless," Harm muttered defeated closing the folder that contained the case. 'Maybe in the morning everything will look better.' He had to laugh at that thought. "Well, with the case anyway… I hope."

Harm put the folder and the notes he made into his briefcase. He blew out the candles and made his way to the bathroom to get ready for the night. After brushing his teeth, he exited the bathroom and started to get undressed.

Clad in only his white boxer briefs Harm made his way over to the bed when a familiar sound made him stop dead in his tracks. "Harm, you are pathetic and apparently hearing things," he muttered to himself as he shook his head and started to move again.

The moment he sat down on his bed, he heard it again and this time it was loud and clear.

'Woof.'

"It can't be," Harm thought aloud.

'Woof, woof.'

This time it was even louder and mixed with a noise, which sounded like someone was scratching on his door.

'Woof.'

'Woof, woof.'

In one swift motion Harm was out of his bed sprinting across his apartment to tear open his door._  
_  
"Woof, woof."

"Toby, what are you doing here?" Harm asked the Golden Retriever as he got down on his knees to address the puppy. Toby was standing on his back paws and his front paws were against Harm's chest wagging his tail, obviously happy to see Harm again.

"Woof, woof."

Harm had to chuckle when Toby gave him a slobbery kiss on his left cheek.

"Where is your Mommy, buddy?" Harm asked curious, since he couldn't see Mac anywhere.

"She's right here," came the soft and somewhat breathless answer from the stairway. "He apparently couldn't wait for me and found your apartment on his own. Don't ask me how he did that though."

"Woof."

Harm slowly got up from his knees unable to take his eyes off her.

Toby seemed to sense that he was in the way and walked inside Harm's apartment to inspect the new and interesting place.

'She's here. She's really here and she looks like an angel,' Harm thought and slowly moved to Mac. "You look like an angel," Harm whispered his thought.

"I'm drenched from head to toe," Mac whispered back meeting Harm halfway while attempting to blow her wet bangs off of her forehead.

"Then you are the most beautiful soaked angel I've ever seen," Harm said softly and took her head in his palms and gave her a long tender kiss.

When they broke their kiss, they both looked deeply into each other's eyes.

"We better go in, before we wake up Coates and you give her a show," Mac told Harm with a smile.

"Huh?"

"You do know you opened the door wearing only your boxer briefs, don't you?" Mac asked tenderly as her hand lingered on his waist clutching the band of his boxer briefs, playfully pulling on it letting it slap back against his body. She couldn't hold back her giggle. "Please tell me you don't normally walk out into the hallway that way. But damn sailor, you are one sexy squid."

Harm always enjoyed seeing her playful side, which had sadly disappeared for awhile and was now finally re-emerging.

Looking intensely at Harm, she launched herself into his waiting arms. At that moment, she didn't care that she was soaked and resembled a drowned rat. All she cared about was kissing him passionately. Together they walked into his apartment, never breaking their kiss.

When the need for oxygen made them break apart, Mac got serious again. "I'm sorry if Toby woke you up. My plan was to sneak in so we wouldn't disturb you," Mac said innocently as they fell onto the couch. Mac landed on Harm's lap and he held her to him not caring that her clothes were all wet.

"Don't be sorry. I would have been terribly disappointed if you had let me sleep through your arrival. I missed you, Sarah," Harm told her gently and gave her another long kiss. He had to break the kiss when he yawned. "Sorry."

"I missed you too, Harm, and don't be sorry. We can talk more tomorrow when you come home from work," Mac told him gently. She then stood up from his lap and took her wet jacket off. She took his hand and helped him up from the couch. "Come on, Sailor. You need your sleep, and I'm tired from the long drive through the rain. We both need some shut-eye," Mac said with a yawn of her own and together they walked to his bedroom.

"You'll stay, right? Toby has already made himself comfortable, so I'm hoping the answer is yes," Harm said looking at Toby, who was already sound asleep at the end of his bed.

"That was the plan, yes," Mac answered quietly.

"Mac."

"Yeah."

"It is okay for Toby to be sleeping on my bed isn't it… I… I mean he won't do anything, will he?" Harm asked.

"Harm, I already read him the riot act before we left Vermont. He knows who the boss is and what he is supposed and not supposed to do," Mac replied with a wink.

"Okay, just asking," Harm responded with a smile.

Harm disappeared in the bathroom thinking 'boy I must really be in love with Mac and even with Toby to be letting him sleep on my bed. I always knew I wanted Mac to share my bed some day, but I never thought I'd see the day when I'd let a dog share it too.' He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror musing 'you sure got it bad.' But he knew he wouldn't have it any other way.

Harm returned with a towel. "Here, you look like you could use one of these. I'm sorry that you can't take a hot shower, but the power is still out and it's still lightning out there. How come you're soaked from head to toe anyway?" Harm curiously asked as he helped Mac dry off.

"Toby needed a walk so we did that before we came up here. Do you have a t-shirt I could wear?" Mac asked Harm when she finished drying her hair.

"And why do you need a t-shirt?" Harm asked huskily and started to unbutton her shirt.

"You really don't need an answer, do you?" Mac replied moaning when Harm dropped her shirt to the floorand proceeded to kiss and lick the valley between her breasts. She knew sleeping naked next to Harm would meanno sleeping at all and they both needed sleep badly.

"Top left drawer," Harm answered as he started to kiss his way from her breasts down to the waistband of her jeans. He then started to unbutton them, while Mac took off her boots and socks. When her jeans were off Harm gave Mac another sweet kiss on her lips before he let go of her. He left her to change into his t-shirt as he made his way to the bathroom again.

When Harm came out, Mac had already changed into the t-shirt. Harm laughed when he saw her model for him. She had chosen one of his 'Property of the NAVY'-shirts.

"Does it mean you ARE mine?" Harm asked Mac softly, taking her head in his palms so he could give her another gentle kiss.

"Always and forever," Mac answered kissing him with all the love she had for him.

Harm couldn't stop the moan when Mac's hands found their way to his boxer briefs. They teased him through the fabric, before her thumbs hooked into the sides of them pulling them down slowly.

"I got you all wet, Harm. You should change into some dry boxers. We don't want you to get a cold," Mac said with a seductive voice. She licked his right ear before sucking his earlobe into her mouth, making him moan.

Harm's hand was just as eager finding its way under the large shirt, wanting to tease her through the fabric of her panties as well. "Mac, where are your panties?" Harm croaked finding himself getting more aroused than he already was.

"They were wet, so I had to get out of them." Mac smirked.

Harm let go of Mac with a groan so he could get changed and attempt to get himself under control again. Mac chuckled as she watched Harm turn around and walk to his dresser. She watched as he pulled a dry pair of boxer briefs over his taut bottom. She turned around and smiled as she walked into the bathroom.

"I put a toothbrush out for you," Harm called after her when he walked to his bed and got under the covers. He was extra careful so he wouldn't disturb Toby's sleep. "Where is your bag, Mac?" Harm hollered and quickly chastised himself for speaking so loudly. He quickly looked down and exhaled when he saw Toby hadn't woken up.

"It's still in the car," Mac answered when she came out of the bathroom again. "I had to chase after Toby when I opened the car door. Then he ran through the open door downstairs and up the stairway to your apartment, so I forgot all about my bag. I'll get it tomorrow. Oh, and I hung my soaked clothes on the towel bar, hope that's okay," Mac told him as she walked to the bed.

"No problem. My dryer is your dryer, you can use it for your clothes tomorrow," Harm said and lifted up the covers. Mac quickly slipped under them and right into his arms. She immediately received a delicate kiss before she turned to lie on her side and Harm spooned up against her back, holding her tightly to him.

"I love you, Sarah. Goodnight, Angel," Harm softly said into her ear, before he kissing it gently and closing his eyes.

"I love you, too, Harm. Goodnight, Darling," Mac whispered back and closed her eyes as well.

They both fell asleep immediately with smiles on their faces. They were together and simply feeling free.


	12. Chapter 12

The Need to Feel Free Again - Part 12

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information

**May 31, 2004**

**Harm's Apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**05:43 AM**

Harm was wide-awake, feeling like he hadn't slept at all. It wasn't a new feeling for him; however, the reason behind it this time not only worried him, it scared him silly.

It had been a stormy night, but his worry had nothing to do with the thunderstorm that raged outside throughout the night. It had to do with the beautiful woman, who now lay safely asleep in his arms

Around two o'clock Harm woke up because of Mac. She was thrashing around, screaming and murmuring incoherently. Her screams had woken up Toby as well. The scared little guy ran from the room to cower under the couch. The puppy's reaction didn't surprise Harm; it just proved how unsettling her screams were. 'Hopefully Coates is a sound sleeper,' was one of the thoughts that had crossed Harm's mind.

Harm had no idea what the dream was about, or if it was just one dream she had had. He couldn't decipher manyof the words Mac had murmured. The only words he was able to grasp were 'weak', 'barren', 'whore', 'Harm,' and 'Clayton Webb'. They all were spoken with more emphasis compared to the rest of her murmuring. He assumed it had to do with Paraguay, but wasn't quite sure. It didn't matter; Harm was worried about the dream or dreams nonetheless.

What scared him more was the fact that he couldn't get Mac to wake up through the whole ordeal. He had called her name over and over again and even shook her forcefully, but nothing worked to get her out of it. He also thought it was a bit odd that she wasn't soaked with sweat. Harm was glad when she finally calmed down, but he didn't seem to be the reason for it. He had pulled her into his arms and held on, trying to calm her movements while whispering soothing words in her ear. However, he doubted that his ministrations were what finally settled her down.

Everything was fine now and Mac was peacefully asleep with a smile on her face. 'It's good that she doesn't need to go to work today. I hope she'll be able to sleep for a few more hours,' Harm thought before he slowly got out of bed without disturbing her. Since he couldn't sleep anyway, he figured a walk with Toby would be a good way to clear his head.

After he got dressed, Harm wrote a brief note for Mac, so she would know where he and Toby were if she woke up. Then he made his way to the living room where Toby was asleep on the couch. 'At least he's not sleeping under the couch anymore,' Harm thought, as he quietly walked over to the little puppy and gently woke him up.

"Hey buddy, come on, it's time for a little walk," Harm whispered with his finger in front of his mouth as a signal to Toby that they needed to be quiet. The Golden Retriever seemed to understand and got up from the couch to walk with Harm out of the apartment.

x

**Harm's Apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**06:27 AM**

Harm and Toby were back from their long walk and Harm opened his apartment door as quietly as possible. It was a big quest since both of his hands were full. One bag was full of items from the grocery store in order to fill his empty fridge. The second bag was definitely heavier, containing dog food for Toby purchased at the gas station around the corner. And the most important bag, at least as far as Mac would be concerned, contained fresh croissants from the bakery for breakfast.

Harm placed the bags on the counter and pondered his ingenious shopping plan. He knew the gas station would be open and he could get some dog food there. He knew that he couldn't walk into the grocery story, bakery, or even the gas station with Toby in tow so he had planned to charm his way through the shops. He couldn't leave Toby alone outside the shops, especially without a leash.

'Great plan, Rabb. The only one who charmed his way through it all was Toby himself. The women didn't even notice you. That little one is a lady- killer,' Harm thought, shaking his head. He was beyond amazed at all the attention one little puppy could draw.

'I'm sure Mac is going to get a kick out of this one', Harm mused. 'She's always telling me how I can turn on the charisma and get anything I want just by flashing my so-called flyboy grin… well not anymore. At least not when I'm with Toby, it's obvious that I'm going to have to settle for being second fiddle because he is definitely a show stealer, being the little charmer that he is'. Harm had been totally amused with Toby's antics and the way everyone fawned over him.

Pointing his finger, he knelt down and looked Toby right in the eye. "You have it all figured out don't you little guy? And Mac thinks she has you right where she wants you… yeah, right…. I think you have her so totally wrapped around your little paws that she melts every time you look at her with those big brown eyes of yours. That's okay buddy, your secret is safe with me. We will just let her keep thinking that she is the big bad marine," Harm said with a wink as he scratched Toby behind the ears.

"Woof, woof," was Toby's exuberant response, glad that this second round of interrogation was over and that his secret was safe with Harm.

When he got the dog food from the gas station, he saw a dog collar and leash, in marine green of course, and took a chance that it would fit Toby and bought it as well. With a leash, he and Mac could walk with Toby without having to carry him most of the time.

Toby didn't seem to mind the leash, since he had already figured out that when he was tired or just didn't want to walk anymore, he could sit down and wait until he got picked up and the leash would be removed. He had already tried it earlier, and it worked perfectly.

_  
_Harm put the items from the grocery store in the fridge, the dog food in the cabinet and the fresh croissants on the counter before he walked back to the door closing it quietly.

Together, Toby and Harm walked into the bedroom and found Mac still asleep. Toby jumped gently on the bed and looked worriedly at his mistress before he looked at Harm, who gave him a nod. Toby then found a place right next to Mac where he could protect her and laid down. Meanwhile, Harm walked to the bathroom to get ready for work and hoped he wouldn't wake Mac up in progress.

When he stepped out of the shower, he checked on her just to see that she was still out of it. Surprisingly, she was still asleep even after he had gotten dressed. "Goodbye, Sarah," Harm whispered and kissed her forehead.

"Hmmm… Harm?" Mac murmured groggily, opening one eye to look at him. She was still more asleep than awake.

"Yeah, sleepyhead. I have to go to work now. I already took a walk with Toby so he is all set for a while. He's lying right next to you. We bought some croissants and I made coffee. Now close your eyes again and go back to sleep, Mac. Sleep tight, Angel," Harm said quietly and kissed her forehead once more.

"'kay… love you," was the only answer he got from Mac before she turned around takinghis pillow into her arms, inhaled his unique scent, and fell peacefully asleep again.

Harm chuckled at the scene in front of him, but he knew there was something serious going on behind those beautiful brown eyes of hers, and he made a promise to himself to find out what it was. He hoped Mac would trust him enough to tell him the truth about her nightmares. 'Will she even remember the dream?' Harm wondered.

With one last look at Mac and Toby, he smiled and left the bedroom. He walked into the living room, picked up his briefcase from the floor, snatched his keys from the table, and grabbed a croissant from the counter, then made his way to work.

x

**JAG Headquarters**

**Falls Church, VA**

**12:21 PM**

Harm walked out of the break room and made his way to his office carrying his sixth cup of coffee that morning. The only good news he had heard so far this morning was that Coates hadn't heard Mac screaming last night. She had spent the night at a friend's house after a birthday party and wasn't home.

The hope that his new case would somehow look better today had not even come close to happening. "The only thing that could help me here is the proverbial rabbit in the hat trick," Harm muttered when he sat down in his chair.

"The Thomsen case?" Sturgis asked with a raised eyebrow as he stood in the doorway of Harm's office.

"Yeah. I thought it looked bad yesterday, but somehow it looks even worse today," Harm stated running his hand across his forehead. "I didn't think it was even possible."

"You look like hell, buddy. Didn't you get any sleep this weekend?" Sturgis asked with a smirk.

"Don't start, Sturg. I got your messages and won't tell you anything," Harm warned his friend.

"Oh, come on, Harm. You can tell me. I'm your friend. Who is she?" Sturgis asked curiously walking into Harm's office.

"Who's who?" A female voice asked from behind Sturgis causing him to turn around in surprise.

"Colonel, what are you doing here? I thought you were away for a little vacation?" Sturgis asked inquisitively as he started adding one and one in his head hoping to come up with two. Could it be? No… were they? Before he could ponder the idea any longer, he was brought out of his reverie at the sound of Mac's voice.

"That I was, Commander. That I was," Mac answered and smiled. "So, what were you two guys talking about?" Mac asked, even though she had a feeling she already knew what they were talking about. "Anything exciting?"

Harm lost himself in her beauty. She wore a long sleeve white blouse with bleached out jeans and beige thong sandals. Her hair was curled, giving her an angelic look. He could see she went to the hair-dresser that morning, since it was a lot shorter than it had been last night.

"Maybe you can help me out here, Mac. Our dear friend Harm was unreachable over the entire weekend and somehow I have the feeling a woman was involved. I'm just trying to find out who she is," Sturgis explained to Mac.

Mac looked at Harm, who just shook his head. "I can easily answer that question for you, Sturgis," Mac said looking squarely at him. As Mac responded, Harm started squirming in his chair nervously, running his fingers through his hair wondering what she was about to say. She knew that if she looked at Harm, she would start laughing and that would spoil everything, she thought it best to continue looking at Sturgis.

Harm sat there at his desk and looked at her like she was insane for trying to answer the question; it was a rare look but definitely priceless. It was a look that tickled her heart and made her smile.

"Sarah. He spent the weekend with Sarah," Mac answered confidently. "Who else would Harm spend a long weekend with? You should know him by now, Sturg." She continued, then let her eyes wander and winked at a shocked looking Harm.

Harm needed a few seconds before it dawned on him what Mac was doing. 'That sneaky marine,' he thought grinning.

Meanwhile Mac stood there feeling quite pleased with herself, looking like the 'cat that swallowed the canary'.

"Is Mac right, Harm?" Sturgis asked looking at his friend for confirmation.

"Oh, she's absolutely right, Sturg. I spent the whole weekend with my Sarah," Harm told Sturgis and smiled at Mac, getting a beautiful smile from her in return.

"I should have known," Sturgis murmured. "You and that plane of yours." He shook his head and started to walk out of Harm's office.

Harm and Mac couldn't hold it back anymore and had to laugh at their confused and slightly upset friend. 'That was way too easy,' both thought at the same time.

"Oh by the way Sturg…. You must have it pretty bad yourself buddy. You left me three messages this weekend… feeling a little lonely and bored without Varise, are we?" Harm chided. He always enjoyed teasing Sturgis, especially when it ruffled his sanctimonious side.

"No way… not me," Sturgis replied a little bristled. "Just thought you might want to lose some money playing a little basketball buddy, that's all."

Harm only shook his head laughing and waved his hand at his buddy. "Yeah… yeah Sturg, tell me another one," Harm goaded.

Sturgis shook his head grinning and gave a little shrug knowing it was time to leave, and feeling as though he had just missed something important. He exited the office and left Harm and Mac to their giggling.

Harm stood up and closed his office door. The blinds were already closed so he didn't have to wait to take Mac in his arms and give her a long tender kiss.

"Hi, Beautiful," Harm said when they broke their kiss. "You are one sneaky marine, you know that?" Harm chortled.

"Hello, Handsome," Mac said softly. "And I wasn't sneaky; I just told him the truth. It's not my fault Sturgis thought I was talking about your bi-plane."

"True." Harm laughed. "So, tell me. What are you doing here?"

"How would you like to spend some time outside of the office?" Mac asked sweetly.

"Hmm…HHHHhmmn, sounds like heaven. What do you have in mind?" Harm asked curiously.

"Toby and I've made up a picnic basket, and we would like to go to the park with you for lunch. Are you interested?" Mac asked with a glimmer in her eyes.

"I would love to," Harm told her gently. "Where is Toby?"

"He's enjoying the leather seats in the car." Mac smirked.

"He's asleep!" Harm said knowing the answer already.

"Yup, but I'm sure he'll wake up as soon as you open the car door." Mac chuckled.

"Okay, just let me put the case away and then we can hit the road," Harm said and walked around his desk to place the case into his desk drawer.

"Great," Mac answered softly. When he returned to her, she looked at his face tracing the dark circles under his eyes with her fingers. She immediately worried. "Harm, are you okay? You look tired."

"Don't worry, Mac. I'm fine," Harm answered with a smile. He could see Mac didn't believe him. 'She knows me too well,' he thought.

"Spit it out, Harm. Something's bothering you," Mac told him a little flustered.

Harm took a deep breath and looked deeply into her apprehensive eyes.

"Mac, do you remember anything from last night?" Harm asked her hesitantly and could see that Mac didn't understand where he was going with this question. "I mean, did you have any problems sleeping last night?" Harm continued.

"No, not that I'm aware of," Mac answered slightly curious. "What is this about, Harm? Did I hit on you?" She continued and got that beautiful smile she wanted to see from him.

"No. No, you didn't. That I could handle," Harm answered with a grin before he got serious again.

"You had a nightmare, Sarah," Harm told her sincerely taking her hands in his. "You were thrashing around and screaming at the top of your lungs. You scared me." Harm continued softly and caressed Mac's palms with his thumbs.

"I'm sorry I scared you, Harm. I don't remember anything about a nightmare, but that's not unusual, though," Mac told him with a sad tone to her voice.

"So it's happened before?" Harm wanted to know.

"Everyone has a nightmare once in a while, but I guess we're not talking about a simple nightmare here, are we? Well… if it's what I think it was about, then yeah, a few times. But I thought it had gotten better," Mac answered honestly.

"Do you think there is a reason why those dreams are back?" Harm asked concerned.

"I think I know the reason, and that's something I wanted to talk to you about anyway. However, your office is not really the right place for this discussion. Maybe we can talk while we're having our picnic?"

Mac needed to get it out of her system. She wanted to tell Harm everything and she knew she could count on his strength to help her get through what she knew would be a very difficult topic.

"Great idea," Harm answered softly and kissed her gently. "Just let me tell Coates that I'll be out of the office for a while and then we can go."

Harm gave Mac a long hug before he let go of her. After he made his call to tell Coates about his plans, they left together. Both of them knew they were about to take another big step in their relationship, and they both felt safe and free with each other to be able to handle it.


	13. Chapter 13

The Need to Feel Free Again - Part 13

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information

**May 31, 2004**

**Rock Creek Park**

**5200 Glover Road, NW**

**Washington, DC 20015**

**12:54 PM**

Harm and Mac walked with their fingers intertwined through the park, enjoyingthe midday sun and the feeling of just being together. They looked around for the perfect place to picnic, but Toby had everything under control and led them to the perfect spot. The moment he noticed the Rock Creek he started to run like crazy and made the joy of his discovery known with a few audible 'woof's'.

Mac brought a blanket with her in the hope that the morning sun would have dried the ground soaked by the previous night's rain. She knew the park had picnic benches, but she preferred using a blanket and sitting on the ground and thankfully, the grass was dry enough for her plan.

They sat on the blanket and savored the salad and sandwiches Mac made for them earlier. When she had woken up around nine o'clock, she immediately saw what a beautiful day it was, and that's when she came up with the idea to surprise Harm with a picnic. After Mac had finished her breakfast, she took Toby and drove to the grocery store near her apartment.

She got a few items she would need for their lunch and to stock up her empty fridge. Thanks to Harm and his idea to buy a leash for Toby, which was a wonderfully thoughtful surprise, she had no problem going to the grocery store with the Golden Retriever. Mac left Toby outside the shop and took care of her shopping. The puppy did not mind at all and even found a new friend, a Beagle named Gonzo. She made a note to herself to thank Harm for his thoughtfulness and especially for picking the marine green leash and collar. After all he was her 'little marine'

Toby was a few feet away from them and up to his old tricks. He was staring at his mirror image in the creek and ignoring everything else around him just as he had done in Vermont.

Harm and Mac had to laugh when he made his final move and leaped to attack his antagonist. With a warning 'woof' he jumped right into the creek. Their laughter stopped immediately when he ran out of the water looking like a drowned rat. He pranced rightover to them, his little body still drenched. It appeared that he was still a bit startled and even disoriented from his mishap and hadn't taken the time to shake off his coat before approaching them.

"He won't do it, right?" Harm asked Mac slightly worried and began studying the area around them for his escape route. The last thing he needed today was a dirty uniform. "Toby, stop!" Harm hollered looking back at Mac, but he got no reaction from the puppy that was still bouncing all over the place soaking wet just waiting to make his move.

"The truth?" Mac asked with a raised eyebrow looking amusingly at Harm.

"Yeah," Harm stated nervously, never letting the Golden Retriever out of his sight while his level of worry cranked up a notch.

"Hmmm… I wouldn't bet my money on it," Mac answered dryly trying not to laugh.

However, when she saw Harm jump to his feet ready to run, she couldn't hold back her giggles any longer. The scene unfolding in front of her was just too amusing to stifle her laughter.

Taking pity on Harm, Mac hollered, "SNAP TO!" in her best marine tone and Toby stopped so suddenly in his tracks, he actually slid to a halt. She pointed her finger at the puppy. Toby looked at her, and like a good 'little marine', took a few steps away from them. Then with raised ears, he immediately shook the water off his fine coat. The water flew off of him like a fountain spray and covered everything around him in a fine mist of water. When he was done shaking, Toby looked so disheveled that Mac shook her head and laughed at her little guy.

'Like the perfect marine, he knows how to take orders,' Mac thought. However, when she looked over at Harm, she saw that he had also reacted to her order of 'snap to' and was standing there 'at attention', being the 'perfect adorable sailor' that he was. Mac was laughing so hard that she was actually rolling around on the blanket she had been sitting on.

"You!" Harm said pointing a finger at Mac. "You think that's funny, don't you, Marine?"

"Yeeesss," Mac could barely get out between her fit of laughter. "The way you looked... it, it was hilarious... I'm, I'm sorry... Harm... forgive me?" Mac asked sheepishly still trying to get herself under control.

"Oh, this is war," Harm said. He lunged at her pushing her back against the blanket. He tickled her incessantly until Mac had tears in her eyes and was shaking with glee. "Say uncle, Marine."

"Nnnoooo…never," was the only answer he got out of her as she continued to giggle.

"Say uncle or..." Harm threatened her with a leer and a lick as the tickling stopped.

"Or what?" Mac asked softly and looked deeply into his eyes. Harm melted immediately at the seductive look in her eyes.

"Or I'll kiss the living daylights out of you, Marine," Harm told her tenderly and started to drop his head slowly.

"And here I thought I would have to wait forever. Bring it on, Navy," Mac whispered before her lips met his. What followed was a kiss full of love and tenderness.

"Woof."

Harm and Mac broke their kiss with a groan and together looked with raised eyebrows at Toby. Apparently, the Golden Retriever didn't like to be ignored and wanted them to know it. Harm and Mac chuckled and sat next to each other.

When they smiled at Toby, he took it as permission and lay his little damp body down between them. Toby couldn't help but think, 'yeah… this is great. I knew it, they're just putty in my paws.'

"Our little baby," Harm said softly and looked at Mac while rubbing Toby's still damp ear.

Harm brought his lips to Toby's ear and whispered, "Thanks a lot buddy, I know where your loyalty lies, you are definitely all jarhead. What do ya say to a little bribery… maybe some of Mac's favorite home cooked 'dead animal', what'cha think? Hmmm… will that bring you over to the navy side? You know, you just might like being a squid." Harm got his answer in the form of one very wet, slobbery kiss to his cheek.

"Yeah, but I think I need to have a serious talk about privacy with this little guy," Mac answered quietly and rubbed Toby's other ear. The Golden Retriever enjoyed the attention he got and relaxed between Harm and Mac. With his head lying on the blanket he looked out at the sunshine glittering off of the creek water and enjoyed bathing in the sun's rays. It really didn't matter jarhead or squid because he had the mistress and the master right where he wanted them.

"Good idea. And I need to come up with some plans for renovating my apartment," Harm said merrily.

After a few minutes of silence between them, Harm detected the change in Mac's eyes. It was time and Harm was ready for it. At least he hoped he was.

"We have to talk, Harm," Mac said gently. When she looked deeply into his eyes, she saw he was ready for the conversation they were about to have. He had been waiting for her, giving her all the time she needed as she collected her thoughts and her strength. She was the one in control now. She was the one on top.

"Can you tell me about last night? I don't remember having any dreams."

"I'll try. You really scared me last night, Mac," Harm told her softly. "I'd like to know what has you so troubled and upset that it would cause you to have such horrible dreams."

"What was it that scared you so much?"

"God Mac, where do I start?" Harm asked before hesitantly looked out at the creek and tried to muster his own thoughts. Mac could see in the depth of his eyes and by his body language just how much this had bothered him. She squeezed his hand and signaled for him to continue.

Harm turned his eyes back to hers. "Mac, you were screaming at the top of your lungs and you were thrashing around like you were fighting for your life. Sometimes you murmured something, but for the most part I couldn't understand what you were trying to say. What really terrified me though was that I couldn't wake you. I called your name over and over again and I shook you, but nothing seemed to work. When you finally calmed down it was like you had gotten through everything and it was simply over. It was as though you couldn't be snapped out of it until you reached the end," Harm told her looking deeply into her troubled eyes.

"You said that sometimes I murmured something. It sounds like you at least understood a few things. What were they?" Mac asked. She was curious and hoped to get a clearer picture with this tidbit of information.

"It wasn't a lot, Mac. They were the only words you spoke forcefully. I could understand the words 'weak', 'barren', 'whore', 'Harm' and.," Harm started to answer quietly before Mac joined in and helped him finish his sentence.

"...'Clayton Webb'."

Harm just nodded his head and looked worriedly at her.

Mac closed her eyes inhaling deeply. She knew it. It was the dream that had haunted her the most in the past few months. Often she would wake up covered in sweat in the middle of the dream and then there were some nights where she wouldn't wake up at all. Those nights she would go through the whole scenario without even remembering it afterwards. Those nights were the worst; she would wake up and not know she had a nightmare. She wouldn't even sweat during the nightmare; the only sign that something was wrong was the feeling of having had a restless night.

Clay had told her about it when she asked him one morning about the discoloration he had under his right eye that hadn't been there the night before. He told her he had tried to wake her up and got the shiner in response. This particular memory always haunted her. She had lost control, inflicted bodily injury to someone and didn't remember anything about it.

She opened her eyes and saw the concerned look in Harm's eyes.

"What was the dream about? Paraguay?" Harm asked gently. He could see the hurt look in her eyes and knew the answer already.

"Yes. Well no, at least not directly. The dream was about the night...," Mac took another deep breath, looked at Harm, and used the strength he was offering her to continue. "...The night I killed Sadik," Mac continued almost inaudibly. _  
_  
Harm gave her a minute to calm her emotions and took the time to rearrange his position on the blanket. He now sat behind Mac with his legs alongside hers while she sat in between them and Toby lay on their left side. Harm pulled her back and put his arms around her while she leaned against his chest trying to absorb all the love he had to offer. They held hands, their fingers intertwined.

He wanted her to know that she could take all the time she needed because he wasn't going anywhere. He would always be her wings, holding her up and supporting her. The wings she felt were essential for her survival and for her ability to feel free. All Harm wanted to do was envelope her in those wings and make her feel safe, secure and loved.

The only thing Harm knew about that fateful night in question was that Mac had to eliminate Sadik Fahd before he detonated a bomb in a nightclub. Unfortunately, the rest was pretty much classified information.

Harm placed his chin on her left shoulder and held her tightly. "Sarah, when you want to tell me about it, I'm here. However, please know I won't pressure you in any way. "I understand if you don't feel comfortable enough to go through this again," Harm told her gently. He kissed her ear and held her even tighter. "I'm here and I won't go away. Your wings won't forsake you."

"I really do need my wings, Harm," Mac whispered.

"I know, and you have them," Harm gently told her kissing her cheek and squeezing her to emphasize that his wings would always surround her.

Mac knew Harm had no intel about the night she had killed Sadik. It was time to let him in and tell him exactly what happened that night. She inhaled deeply looking directly at the creek and was now ready to start.

Slowly she told him about her meeting with Sadik in the oriental lounge. How he had forced her with a gun to go with him to the apartment across from the nightclub. She reiterated Sadik's aversion to women expressing independence and stepping out of their place, and she of course was at the top of his disgust list. He wanted to make her see how vulnerable she was because no man was there to protect her.

Mac sighed and took a deep breath, holding it momentarily before exhaling. Harm noted the deflated appearance of her body and knew it was best for her to rest before going on.

He knew she needed to get it all out, and unleash the burden she had been carrying around like a weight on her shoulders. He squeezed her hands and kissed her ear. "I'm proud of you, Sarah," Harm whispered.

When she continued to tell Harm about that dreadful night, her voice was even quieter. She told him about Sadik's verbal attack on her. How he said that she was only pretending to be a woman. That she had no man and no children in her life and she would be imprisoned in a barren life filled with fear. She even told Harm that according to Sadik she dressed and lived like a whore.

"Harm", Mac continued. "When he looked at me with those cold piercing eyes, it was as though he could see right through to my soul. I felt like I was an open book and he was reading all the pages of my life. His words stung more than any physical wound ever could. He seemed to know about my disastrous childhood… about my low self esteem… my determination and struggle to make it in the Marine Corps because I was a woman… how I had to persevere to get my law degree… about how all the men in my life were using me and none of them ever truly loved me for me… and how I now face the possibility of never carrying and giving birth to a child."

Mac closed her eyes for a second and then continued. "He wouldn't stop his tirade. He knew how to push all the right buttons, baiting me and pushing me to react. But how…how could he know all the things that would rile me, or did he just think that all independent women were the same? I think he wanted to hurt me with his words more than he wanted to kill me. Why Harm?" Mac asked with tears in her eyes. "You know, sometimes when he looked at me, I swear that somewhere deep inside his distorted thinking, maybe just for a fraction of a second, he might have actually admired my courage to fight back and not cower at his feet like all other women." Mac was now spent and needed to take a deep breath to try and regain her composure.

Harm really didn't have an answer for her. He couldn't even begin to try and fathom what went on in that evil man's twisted mind. Instead, he held her even tighter when he heard this part of the story. He could feel her shudder in his arms and her voice was only a whisper. He knew the part about her being 'barren' hurt her deeply and he hoped that she would find the fortitude not to dwell on it and move on. He didn't want her to worry about it, at least not now._  
_

Harm couldn't help feeling that it was a good thing Sadik was dead because if he weren't, he would have found him and killed him with his bare hands for what he had done to Mac. He had humiliated and degraded her and made her feel inferior. 'No one can do that to my Sarah and live to tell about it,' Harm thought. 'She had overcome the painful disasters of her childhood to become the incredible woman and outstanding marine that she was and no one, NO ONE on this earth was going to undermine all she had achieved to attain the honorable life she had now made for herself.' Of that he was certain.

Toby noticed that his mistress was upset and got up from his spot to lie down in Mac's lap. He gazed up at her with his big brown eyes. Mac in response leaned her face towards the puppy.

"Woof." Toby gave her a wet Eskimo kiss to make his statement complete.

Harm and Mac laughed and rubbed Toby's ears.

"I love you too, Mr. Toby," Mac told him softly before she continued to tell Harm everything.

Mac started to tell him about Sadik's plan to bomb the nightclub, and how he had planned it to show her how susceptible she was. Harm could sense that Mac was getting to the end of that fateful night.

"... I took my shoes off and started to unbutton my blouse so I could show him the microphone I had worn underneath. Once he was distracted enough and I got the chance, I kicked the gun he held at me out of his hand. Then we began our fight. When I got the upper hand I started to hit him and told him in no uncertain terms, 'I'm not weak, and I'm not barren, and I'm not a whore'. Every statement was punctuated by a hard slap to his face and it felt soooo good."

Mac smiled at the recollection before she got serious again. She turned around in Harm's arms so she could look in his eyes. What she saw in his eyes was a mixture of emotions. There was anger for what Sadik had done and sorrow for the hurt she felt that night. But most of all she could see how proud Harm was of her and all the love he harbored in his heart.

"The fight wasn't over until I had the chance to get the weapon I kicked out of his hand earlier. I grabbed it just as he pulled out another weapon he had hidden in his waistband.

I was quicker than he was and shot him in the shoulder before he could hit me. I told him the shot was for you. And then I aimed again saying'This is for Clayton Webb' and shot him in the center of his forehead. When the C.I.A came into the apartment I told Kershaw I was sorry for killing Sadik because he could have given us important information about the nuclear weapons. Kershaw said Sadik could have killed me first, but I'm not so sure about that. However, the moment I looked in the mirror I knew I wasn't sorry at all."

When Mac had finished telling Harm about that night, she looked forlornly into his eyes.

"I killed him, Harm. I killed him and never felt sorry about it," Mac told him pensively looking down at the ground feeling ashamed for having no remorse for her fatal actions.


	14. Chapter 14

_AN – Okay everyone… here is the final part. I want to thank you all for reading my story and most of all for the feedback and nice words you sent me throughout this tale. I'm glad to see how much you enjoyed this revised version :) _

The Need to Feel Free Again - Part 14

Disclaimer - See part one for all important information

**May 31, 2004 **

**Rock Creek Park**

**5200 Glover Road, NW**

**Washington, DC 20015**

**1:37 PM**

"Mac, please look at me," Harm pleaded, tilting her chin up with his index finger so that he could look into her eyes. "Kershaw was right you know. There is no reason to feel guilty, none at all. You realize that, don't you?" Harm stated looking deeply into her poignant brown eyes, trying to gauge what was going on behind them. He prayed that she wouldn't retreat inside of herself. He knew this wasn't the time for more questions. Right now it was important for him to listen and be supportive.

"Yes, I do," Mac quietly answered. "At least part of me does. There is still so much I have to figure out and when I do, then I will have to learn to cope with it. The reoccurrence of the dream last night only confirmed it." Mac sighed despondently.

"We'll do it together, Mac. I want to help you in any way possible, and I will be there every step of the way," Harm told her with conviction taking her hands in his. "In my office you said you might know the reason why this dream keeps coming back. Do you want to tell me about it?" Harm probed gently.

"Yeah, I do. Yesterday morning, when I woke up and watched you sleep in my arms, I thought about my future... about our future. I want to be free of my past, so we can start our future without any ghosts.I will do whatever is necessary to resolve this ugly part of my past," Mac said looking convincingly at Harm. "When I rode down to the farm to get us breakfast that last morning, I made a decision and I guess what I have decided to do brought this horrible nightmare back."

"What kind of decision did you make?" Harm asked curiously.

"After you left for Washington I called Dr. McCool at Bethesda and made an appointment."

"Dr. McCool?" Harm questioned, not recognizing the name.

"She's my psychiatrist, Harm, or my shrink, whatever you want to call her," Mac said with a grin before she got serious again. "I never should have dropped the therapy sessions in the first place. I mean, I thought I was strong enough to handle it on my own. However, it's obvious that I am not even close to being there. Maybe I could have ignored the whole incident for a while and pretend that it had never happened, but sooner or later something would have triggered the memory and it would be back to haunt me all over again," Mac said defensivelybefore a look of horror came over her face.

"Oh my god, I didn't hurt you last night, did I?" Mac asked frantically as she eyed Harm up and down. She remembered the shiner she had given Clay, and she hoped this time Harm hadn't been on the receiving end of her swinging fists. There weren't any visible injuries, but she still had her doubts and needed confirmation that she had not hurt him._  
_  
"No, of course not. Why would you think that you had hurt me?" Harm was puzzled by her question. _  
_  
"You said I was thrashing around and I..." Mac took a deep breath. "Once I gave Clay a shiner under his right eye while I was dreaming. It was one of the dreams where I didn't wake up at all. Without the shiner, I guess I wouldn't have known about the dream. That was when I found out that I had been having the dreams repeatedly. Clay hadn't told me about them. I guess in his own way, he was trying to protect me."

"Was Clay able to tell you what the dreams were about?" Harm asked gently. He sensed Mac was uncomfortable talking with him about Clay and he wanted her to see that it didn't bother him. Harm had come to terms with her relationship with Clay a long time ago and he hoped Webb was able to help her when she needed someone to be there for her, especially that night she had eliminated Sadik.

She told him that Clay had never discussed the dreams with her. He had tried to be there for her in his own way as best he could. She didn't blame him for not being more supportive because she could never really open up and express her inner most feelings to Clay, but there again Clay had always kept his own barriers firmly in place. Even though she and Clay had been 'involved,' they never really had a 'meaningful' conversation or a relationship that would progress past the bedroom. Somewhere along the line, they both had come to realize and accept that fact.

She could have never let her guard down with Clay and told him what was in her heart and mind pertaining to that night. She was too ashamed. It was difficult enough for her to tell Harm, and she trusted Harm explicitly. She knew that he would listen to her and not be judge and jury. He wouldn't undermine her thoughts or actions. She knew Harm would understand._  
_  
"It was the same. The dreams had the same theme. It's time for me to face it head on and the best way to deal with this is through the sessions with Dr. McCool."

"When do you have your next session?"

"My next session will be on Friday."

"You mean this Friday?" Harm asked confused.

Mac nodded.

"Don't you have an appointment with Dr. Purcell this Friday?" Harm was confused. "At the dining out, I thought you said you had an appointment with your internist this Friday to get the results of your test. Did I miss something?"

"No, you didn't miss anything. My appointment with Dr. Purcell is Friday afternoon. I thought I should clear my head before going to the most important appointment of our future," Mac explained steadfastly with a little smile.

"Our future," Harm repeated the words with a big smile. "It has a beautiful sound, doesn't it? I would like to go with you," He continued gently looking longingly into her eyes.

"I would like you to go with me too," Mac stated softly before leaning forward to kiss him tenderly. "And yes, it sounds very beautiful," she continued after they broke the kiss.

"So when do I have to be there?"

"My appointment with Dr. McCool is at ten o'clock and Dr. Purcell and I have a 'date' around one thirty."

"Okay. I'll ask the Admiral today if I can take Friday off, then we can go together. Since I have court next week, I'll have to work extra hours this week on the case. But that shouldn't be a problem. I'll be there, promise. We'll get through it," Harm said quietly, caressing Mac's left cheek with the back of his hand.

"Together," Mac answered and moved her head so she could kiss Harm's hand.

"Always and forever," Harm whispered, kissing her sweetly. "We can get through anything, Mac."

"Anything," Mac repeated and smiled at him through tearful eyes.

The first hurdle was always the hardest, and Mac had been triumphant in conquering it. She had been able to let her marine façade shatter and spoke from her heart as just Sarah. She resolutely explained the events of that disastrous night in great detail. She didn't need to articulate the toll it took on her; it was obvious by her nightmares. Meanwhile, Harm listened unswervingly, allowing her to get it all out. It felt so good to finally free herself from the weight of the burden she had carried around so deep inside her. It would be easier to continue her therapy, now that she had started to confront her demons.

It had broken Harm's heart to listen to her tell the events of that evening, and to see her struggling with the pain. He would have done anything to make it go away, but he couldn't. All he could do was stand firm, be strong and simply be there for 'his' Sarah. He would stand by her stalwartly by wrapping her in his arms to give her strength, by kissing her soothingly to comfort her, and by giving her an infectious smile that would warm her heart and bring her serenity.

"That reminds me; before I have to go back to work there's something I would like to ask you."

"Okay, shoot," Mac said anxiously adding, "no pun intended."

Harm merely smiled at her sudden burst of exuberance.

"Would you like to be my date on Saturday?" Harm asked gently with a smile, getting a beautiful one from Mac in return.

"Are you asking me to be your date to Little AJ's fifth birthday party?" Mac inquired, letting her forefinger run down his left cheek. "Because just this morning I had a message on my answering machine from our dear godson asking me if I could come to his 'big party', which happens to be this Saturday."

They both felt the magnitude of the upcoming special occasion. It had all started five years prior as they stood on the steps of JAG headquarters the day Little AJ had been born. A promise was made on that day, and they would both give anything to have it come to fruition… that being the conception of a baby Rabb.

"Yes, I'm asking you to be my date to Little AJ's birthday party. We're going together, right?" Harm asked, slightly worried that he had possibly overstepped the boundaries of their budding relationship.

"Of course we are." Mac smiled.

"Good, because I would like to show off my new girlfriend," Harm said sheepishly raising his eyebrow and smirking._  
_  
"Does that mean we're telling our friends about us?" Mac asked, hoping to hear the answer she craved for.

"Yes, I would like to, Sarah. I don't want to be apart from you anymore. I want to feel free to kiss you wherever and whenever I want to. I want to be able to hold your hand and put my arms around you. I want the freedom to truly be with you in front of the whole world." Harm told Mac, kissing her forehead. "What about you? Do you want us to tell our friends about our relationship? Or would you rather wait a little while longer?"

"There is nothing I would like to do more than tell them about us and I think AJ's birthday party is a great place to do it." Mac quietly answered.

"Then it's a date," Harm countered smiling.

"Our first date," Mac corrected with a smile of her own. "So you better be on time when you pick me up. First impressions are always the most important to a girl," Mac said smirking.

"You're kidding, right?" Harm looked a little shocked. "I never planned on picking you up. I missed you like crazy from the moment I left the farm. I'm so happy you are home again and here with me. I never want to miss you again. I want to fall asleep with you right next to me every night, and I want to wake up every morning with you right there in my arms. So I don't want to pick you up, I want you to already be there."

When he looked at Mac she just smiled at him with tears in her eyes.

"You with me on this jarhead?" Harm asked, hoping he already knew the answer.

Mac nodded. "All the way, big time squid," she said gleefully.

"Oh, you're bad, Marine." Harm laughed before he got serious again. "How would you like to go with me next weekend to the Shenandoah Valley?" Harm asked. "I thought we could surprise Mattie and spend the weekend with her and her dad? I have their tour plans, so I know where they are going to be then. What do ya' think, Mac? Would you and Toby like to go with me?"

"Do you really have to ask? Of course we would like to go with you, Harm. I know how much you miss Mattie. She'll be happy to see you. I'm sure we'll have a great time and Toby will love it." Mac paused and kissed Harm.

"Good," Harm whispered. "Maybe we can ask Harriet and Bud if Little AJ can come with us as well. It could be a part of his birthday gift. What do you think?" Harm asked, hoping Mac would like the idea.

"It would be perfect. This way we can practice for our upcoming family life. Us, a teenager, a five year old boy and a little puppy. Sounds like the perfect weekend to me. I'm all for it," Mac answered all excited about the plans. "I love you, Harm."

"I love you too, Sarah," Harm said before kissing her with all the love he felt for her.

"So the excursion is a part of Little AJ's birthday gift. Any other ideas for a present?" Mac wondered.

"Hmm, haven't thought about it yet. How about a present from the both of us? Do you have any thoughts?"

"Let's see...," Mac started when Harm interrupted her.

"Wait, I know. How about a Corvette? We are his godparents and we should spoil him after all," Harm told Mac thrilled about his brilliant idea.

"A Corvette?" Mac asked with a raised eyebrow, thinking that he had truly lost his mind.

"Yeah, we could try to get one on Friday after our visit to Bethesda."

"A Corvette?"

"Yeah, you know one of those cars that AJ can sit in and move around with his feet or they also have the kind that uses a battery."

"Oh, you worried me there for a second, Flyboy. But yeah, I like it. Let's do it. It's the perfect idea and I'm all for it. However, maybe we should try to find one in the next few days. Friday could be too late."

"Okay, why not tomorrow? I'll pick you up when I'm finished for the day and then we can see if Toys 'R' Us has what we are searching for. If they have it, we'll take it. If they don't have one in stock we can order one and get it by the end of the week," Harm suggested. "What do you think?"

"I think you are a wise man, Uncle Harm," Mac answered with her beautiful smile.

"Why thank you, Auntie Mac. This coming from such an astute woman sure is a compliment," Harm responded with the flyboy grin that Mac loved so much.

"Can't wait to see what a wise man Daddy Harm will be," Mac told him earnestly and kissed him tenderly.

Mac knew that when, not if, but when they had children, be it of their own blood or not, Harm would be the perfect dad to them. A dad every child would adore. When he had told her in Vermont he wanted to have children with her and that he didn't care if they would be their own blood or not, she knew the potential for a perfect life was in front of her and she would do everything in her power to make their dream come true. Her phone call to Dr. McCool, and telling Harm about the night she confronted Sadik were the first two giant steps in her cleansing process. 'It feels so good to be free,' Mac thought with a smile.

In the distance they could hear the toll of the bells from a nearby church, which told them it was two o'clock. They knew it was time to end their picnic. Harm still had a lot of work to do and needed to be back at JAG.

"I guess it's time," Mac said sighing sadly. She enjoyed their picnic and it felt so good to finally let Harm all the way in.

"Yes, but we'll talk more when I get home tonight. How about getting some dinner from the Chinese place near you and a movie? You can pick," Harm proposed.

"Pick the movie or dinner?" Mac smirked.

"Hmmm… both." Harm smiled and added, "This time!"

"Okay, sounds like a deal. Mine or yours?"

"Yours! Definitely yours! You have doors." Harm chuckled looking at the sleeping Golden Retriever.

Mac's future looked bright. She had her miracle in Harm. He never gave up on her and meant every word when he told her 'he would always be there,' because he WAS still there. She knew that with his love and devotion anything was possible.

One way or another, there would be a MacKenzie/Rabb clan. However, for now she had 'the love of a good man and lots of comfortable shoes.' She knew that one day they would beat the odds and all the rest would follow. Her dreams of a home and family would come true.

They both had what they always wanted, each other. No matter what lay ahead, good or bad, they would prosper or conquer together. All the barricades between them had been removed, and they felt free for the first time in years and this newly found feeling would be with them for all eternity.

THE END

_Note to Michi from Kathy: _

_First, I would just like to say a great big thank you for letting me collaborate on this story with you. When you asked me to beta read for you, I was honored, but when you asked me to be co-author on this particular story what can I say… I was thrilled beyond belief! You have allowed me to put my thoughts and ideas down on paper, a goal I never would have achieved if it weren't for you because I never would have had the courage to do it on my own. So again, thank you Michi. Though we've only just met, I feel the friendship we have attained transcends time a place. You have become a good friend. Lastly, I hope everyone enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed working on it with you. Until the next story… dear heart… I think we both need to get a life. LOL!_

_Note to Kathy from Michi:_

_LOL, maybe you're right but let's face it… this was and still is so much fun, it couldn't get any better now could it? ;-) I'm so glad you enjoyed the time we spent working on this story. After you beta read 'ASDIB' for me, I saw what a rare gift slumbered in you when it comes to using words and bringing them to life, at times in a very unique way, on a piece of paper. I'm happy you decided to share that special gift of yours with me, and most of all with the JAG FF's fans. I sure hope you will continue to do just that because I would really like to learn much more from you … well, I actually know you will LOL and I can't wait to see the outcome of our newest project. It really is a blast to work with you! I love you Kathy and I'm proud to call you my friend. LOL, I can't imagine a day without our little, at times a bit silly chats in between work… life wouldn't be the same without it, that's a given :o) Kiss and bear hug, Michi_


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